from MILF to mom

a few weeks ago a coworker and i were shopping. i love my coworker and she is hysterically funny. she is also olive-skinned with dark brown hair and brown eyes. i am blond with freckles and blue eyes. as we were out shopping and trying on clothes, a dressing room clerk took it upon herself to ask my friend, “does your MOM want to try on some stuff too? now i realize i’m getting older, but there’s only a *ahem* small span in our ages, certainly not a generation’s worth, unless you’re from arkansas. instead of calling her a dumb-ass bitch like i should have and kicked her down and screamed, “WHO’S YOUR MOMMA NOW BITCH?!”, i became completely depressed, if not somewhat obsessed, about my appearance. i went and bought a whole bunch of new moisturizers, magic cosmetics meant to “diffuse” my lines, whatever the eff that means, researched buying my own restylane from france and having my pediatrician sister, dr. laura, inject it into my face (which if not slightly illegal may yield somewhat less than aesthetically pleasing results), and generally was depressed. then i forgot about it.

until last weekend…when i took my son, the bully, to a birthday party. i was running around this outdoor park with him in my tank top, feeling very young and sexy and proud of myself because all the other moms were sitting under the shaded tables while the dads and i were out “bonding” with our boys. a group of us, including some teenagers, were lining up to get in the go-carts when one of the snarky zit-faced attendants tapped me on the shoulder and stated very seriously, “ma’am, your teenager can’t drive the double car unless he’s 18.” *cue crickets* ok, so he ASSumed since i was the only woman there i had to be the mom. at least the violator in question was blond, so it could have been a possibility…but poor attendant boy. little did he realize he was about to have the pent-up wrath from my previous encounter unleashed upon his poor unsuspecting young ass. attendant boy will think twice before he “ma’am’s” anyone else again for a long time.

ok, bitchez. i get it. somewhere, somehow along the way, i have become a mom. i mean i’ve been an actual mom for a while, but evidently, now i look like a mom …and it’s really starting to piss me off. i used to think i looked sexy and young and could pass for 25 from the back. i was a MILF, or so i have been told. not anymore. and sadly, apparently i look like the mom of whomever i happen to be standing next to. at the rate i’m going, people are going to be asking my son at graduation, “what’s your grandma doing here?”

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