Monthly Archives: July 2008

big fat liar – or why men keep condoms in the car

last weekend the hubs and i ended up going out with my friend (the mean girl) and her husband, without candy and her husband (who i had called but had completely blown me off).

mean girl all grow up (MGAGU):soooo….have you talked to candy?condoms.jpg
me: well, she said she would call me, but she flaked.
MGAGU: well, that’s too bad. i am sooo glad that we could get together. we like you guys sooo much. and well, candy’s been acting really weird lately. DON’T tell her i told you but there’s something going on with her and her husband and it NOT good.
me: (reminding myself never, ever to confide anything to her) what do you mean?
MGAGU: don’t say that i told you, but she found CONDOMS in her husband’s car!!!
me:WTF??!! so what did she do? did she confront him? what did he say?
mgagu: he said he was HOLDING them for a friend of his who was having marital problems.
me: that is the biggest load of crap i have ever heard. just how stupid does he think she is?!
mgagu:obviousy, pretty stupid. what would you say to your hubs if you found condoms in his car?
me: you mean before or after he regained consciousness?

anyway, this got me thinking, what kind of lame excuses would a married man who’s had a vasectomy have for having condoms in his car? hmmm….let’s see.

  • silly me! i thought these were water balloons!
  • they’re not mine!!! what have YOU been doing?
  • there were a bunch of planned parenthood demonstrators handing them at the corner.
  • you can make a really cool stress ball with flour.
  • i’m going to make balloon animals for the kids.
  • i keep them in my first aid kit to use as tourniquets.
  • the guys at work think it’s hilarious when i put them on my head and blow them up with my nose.
  • they were giving them away free at the liquor store with the purchase of any 12 pack.
  • honey, i’m going to be completely honest. i’m part of a heroin smuggling ring.
  • i’m going to use it as a penis protector while i’m nairing my junk. all for you sweetie.

 

ok, all kidding aside, i’m asking you guys out there. seriously….what possible excuse could there be for your wife/significant other finding condoms in your car,  beside the fact that you are a giant douche who is getting some strange?

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you can go home again (pardon me while i reminisce)

this weekend i went home to austin and stayed with my folks. in case i haven’t told you, i grew up there and every time we go back, i remember why i love that city and why i eventually had to get the hell out, if only because my parent’s patience with letting me “find” myself was wearing thin.

i also remember why it took me 8 years to graduate from UT (albeit with 2 undergrad degrees and just 6 hours short of a third), but that’s a whole bunch of other stories. while i was home, my dad pulled out this picture of me and my sisters, which i hadn’t seen in years. 

it’s a wonder my parents ever slept soundly at night because the three of us used to stay out all the time carousing until dawn.

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here we are getting ready for a night on the town. i distinctly remember this night because we went to a huge birthday blow-out at a friend of sessie’s whose parents were out off town. par-tay! one big mansion and a bunch of underage kids drinking beer. that’s not a recipe for disaster. surprisingly, nothing truly disastrous happened, although i do seem to remember that some people ended up skinny dipping in the pool (nope, not me).

dr. laura was the youngest and also seemed to get into the most trouble. i got busted once for sneaking out, and my parents changed my bedroom so i couldn’t crawl out the window anymore.

dr. laura, on the other hand, wrecked more cars than anyone should be allowed to drive, including a small incident that involved suspending a volkswagen rabbit (a blue wolfsburg edition) in mid-air in a grove of small oak trees. she and her boyfriend couldn’t even get the doors open and had to crawl out the hatch back to escape. luckily, no one was hurt.

the car was wedged so tightly between the trees that her boyfriend and a couple of his football player friends couldn’t budge it, so they finally called my dad to come help. after dad assessed the situation, he decided it would probably be better to wait until the next day to call a wrecker. police tend to want to become involved in matters like cars hanging out in trees.

her excuse was something along the lines of “i was futzing around with the tape deck and the next thing i know…” dad says he was never sure if alcohol was involved or not, but i’m pretty sure they way it really went down was, “i was bending down to grab a bartles and jaymes wine cooler and my crazy ass friends and i weren’t paying any attention to the road, and we drove off a freaking cliff.” 

as you can imagine, my parent’s laissez-faire attitude and the lack of any repercussios for this incident, which we were fully expecting to be forthcoming, caused quite a bit of tension between dr. laura and sessie and me, because….well, we were freaking jealous! and pissed. very pissed. sessie was exceptionally pissed, as this was her car to take to college and it was now totaled. it was just so UNFAIR. we had been getting in trouble for years and now it was dr. laura’s turn… and pfffft! nothing. that’s the curse of being the older siblings. we had done all the hard work, broken the parents in, so to speak, and now they were over it. they were just happy whenever we didn’t kill ourselves.

anyway, at some point i think dr. laura must have felt really guilty about about all the money my parents were spending to keep us in cars, or maybe she just grew up, because she got her act together, got some new friends, and went to medical school. and she’s a really good doctor. me? i’m still tryng to find myself. i’ll let you know as soon as that happens.

and the three of us have made peace. in fact we get along better now than we ever did. and that’s nice, because if a girl doesn’t have her sisters, who does she have?

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just one of the guys

woo hoo! i’m riding pretty high today, because i’ve broken through the glass ceiling!

that’s right, yours truly is currently in the top 10 of all time highest ranking posts at H-B (so far) and i’m the only girl. sweet!MyBoys.jpg

1. 15 minute lunch – 70 points
2. mattress police – 48 points
3. mattress police – 46 points
4. 15 minute lunch – 40 points
5. 15 minute lunch – 38 points
6. the reasonable ego – 37 points
7. the reasonable ego – 33 points
8. try to keep up – 31 points
9. leighonline – 31 points
10. 15 minute lunch – 31 points

no, that post is not the one where i talked about my boobs, so actually, the only conclusion i can draw is that you like me, you really like me. and i like you too.

i have to admit, i much prefer hanging with the guys, because you’re a lot funnier. and well, you’re not bitches. in fact, i’ve almost given up on trying to be friends with women, because i can’t stand all the drama. it’s like high school never ended.

here’s a perfect example of what i mean. i have two girlfriends who are also friends with each other…or so i thought. this weekend we are all going to be out of town for a swim meet. i tried to plan for all of us to get together to eat dinner and have some drinks.

me: so i invited candy and her husband to come meet us for drinks. mean.jpg

mean girl all grown up:uhhhh….well, you know i think we might have to change our plans.

me: what?!

MGAGU: well, the last time we went out with them, their kids behaved terribly and there was an incident in the car involving a diaper that Dan (her husband) hasn’t gotten over yet.

me: oh…well, i thought you guys were friends.

MGAGU: oh, we are! i would be fine with it, it’s just i know Dan won’t want to go if they go. don’t tell her that though. well, if you guys change your mind, call us.

first, poor candy planned this girl’s birthday party earlier this summer and bought her an expensive gift! second, i know this is complete bulsh*t, and third she totally tried to clean her @ss with her husband!

how do i know she was cleaning her @ss with DAN? 

weren’t you paying attention? because men are not bitches! they could care less who’s going to dinner. it’s an hour. there will be beer. they can deal with it.

no, this was all her. plus, i don’t like LYING for other people, and having to keep secrets, mostly because i’m not very good at keeping my mouth shut. oh, did i forget to mention that candy is hot and MGAGU is a butterface? i guess i did.

you know what guys? i totally understand the ceiling thing. keep those bitches out. just as long as i can stay in.

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no pervs allowed!

i’ve been getting some pretty disturbing google hits lately regarding a harmless post i wrote about my son at a swim meet.

apparently there are some dirty, dirty, googlers out there trolling the internet and they are stumbling onto my blog using the following seaches.

searches.jpg 

if someone finds me looking for MILF blogs, i’m totally down with that. what i’m not down with is, attracting pedophiles looking to get their jollies.

so i thought i’d give them a taste of their own medicine. so i replaced the sweet picture of my son, with this:

jack1.jpg

there! how’s that, you sorry sack of sh*t?

or how about this?

gross.jpg

or this?

johnt.jpg

or this?

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whoops! that’s probably you.

now get the hell out of my blog and don’t come back.

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flashback fridays – coming out of the closet edition

it’s been a while since i did a flashback friday post and today, i’m going to go way back….to when i first started blogging, which was, oh about november.

originally, i wrote this back when i was only getting about 10 hits a day (and about half of those were my own) and i didn’t even get a SINGLE comment (aside from my sister a mere 3 months later), which can do serious damage to a fragile blogger’s ego. good thing i’m not sensitive.

however, this post continues to provide my biggest source of residual hits, all from googlers looking for rediculous 80s fashion pictures, so i think it’s worth a re-post.  there’s a bit of self disclosure going on in this one, and i’ve given myself a fair amount or sh*t, so feel free to knock yourself out.

***

i recently enjoyed reading this awesome panty-wetting post.

yes, the 70s were a groovy decade, but unfortunately, my experience with the 70s was more brady bunch than saturday night fever, so i feel a little gypped. but these great photos got me thinking, if style in the 70s could be reduced to an homage to white pantsuits, terry cloth, and chest hair, would history be kind to the 80s?

i began searching the internet for 80s fashion and realized that most people, like myself, are hiding their skeletons. so i decided the best place to go look was in my own closet.

i spent several hours trying to find where i had hidden the old photo albums and yearbooks, and after i found them, i remember why. despite my hopes of finding footloose, flashdancing girls that just wanted to have fun, i discovered what was really fashionable in the 80s was looking like your grandparents.

prepsthumb.jpg

to say we looked ridiculous is a modest understatement. but we were just buying into a lifestyle that the clothes represented. similar to how white suburban kids are deluding themselves into thinking that running around with their pants hanging off their asses and calling each other bee-yotch makes them gangsta.

anyway, after looking at these pictures, i have decided that what the 80s were all about (MTV videos to the contrary) is clothes as birth control. there is nothing overtly sexy about any of this and frankly, it’s a wonder there was any sex going on at all. which may actually explain the massive consumption of alcohol which generally preceded any physical contact.

so, i wanted to share these pictures with you. keep this in mind while you’re looking at them. i live in texas. it’s freaking hot here… all the time.

these pictures were in a section labeled “yep, they’re yups.” there are a lot of things that amuse me about this whole era, including the fact that in lieu of actually being a yuppie, you could just wear the clothes and pretend to be one. but what’s most amusing is that the word yuppie (initially coined as a demographic term which stood for young urban professional) later came to be used almost exclusively with the word *fucking* preceding it.

yups3.jpg yups5.jpg

these girls are covered from head to toe, except for the tramp on the left who has exposed her knees.

groupthumb.jpg

click for larger photo

the only thing that saved this poor girl from a britney spears moment is about 8 inches of fabric.

skirtthumb.jpg

nothing says “hot” like peter pan collars, poofy sleeves and high-waisted pleated pants. no matter. this guy is just happy because this is the closest he’s ever getting to these girl’s clams.

clamsthumb.jpg

click for larger photo

and because black and white just does not do it justice…

if the clothes said virginal, then the makeup told an entirely different story. these girls did not believe in subtlety…or using a mirror.

party.jpg

party2.jpg

sailor suits were really in…and not just for 6 year olds.

sailorthumb.jpg

nope, this is not an 80s party. this is vintage 80s college partying. wearing shorts instead of a skirt at a kegger allowed much more freedom and ensured that you were comfortable. plus if you drank too much beer and passed out on the patio furniture, no one could see your underpants.

kegthumb.jpg

i realized a certain amount of self outing was going to be necessary to allow for a full appreciation of this phenomenon. anyone who knows me knows that i never pass up a good opportunity to show off my rack, but back then, i had my priorities all screwed up.

do not ask me what the eff is up with my hair. i have no freaking idea.

sweatersthumb.jpg

aviators were the coolest.

aviators.jpg

i seem to recall that this type of pant was called a “go to hell” pant. which basically meant, “i’m going to wear these pants, and if you don’t like them, you can go to hell!” the more obnoxious the better. the guy wearing the “go to hell” pants (and the pornstache) was a four sticker (meaning he had a IV after his last name) and is now a gynecologist in the greater houston area, which i unexpectedly found out after picking a specialty physician from my healthcare provider. awk-ward.

madrasthumb.jpg

click for larger photo

sessie and dr. laura. sorry guys. love you.

rushthumb.jpg

sistersthumb.jpg

wearing long skirts is completely impractical because they seriously inhibit your mobility and you can fall flat on your face. which makes them perfect preppy attire when you’re going to someone’s ranch to drink a lot of liquor and shoot off firearms.

huntingthumb.jpg

  • white turtleneck sweater with shoulder pads? check.
  • pearl necklace? check.
  • alligator belt? check.
  • long tweed skirt past my knees? check.
  • gold coin ring and tank watch with alligator strap? check.
  • porsche carrera sunglasses? double check.

 

nothing says road trip quite like white opaque hosery.

roadtrip2.jpg

road_trip.jpg

and finally, it’s completely apparent from the look on his face that my date was not amused that i wore clothes under my toga. i never saw him again.

togathumb.jpg

 

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leigh explains it all for you – blogging do’s and don’ts

whew! it’s good to know that the brouhaha from that last post has all blown over. who knew an innocent vacation photo could cause such a ruckus.

in fact, my friend diesel, has invited me to impart some of my blogging wisdom, such as it is, as long as i promise to keep my clothes on. this may prove difficult, based on how i’ve discovered this is the cause for my new-found popularity, but here goes.

join a blogging forum
joining humor-blogs was probably the best thing i ever did for myself, as far as blogging is concerned (shameless plug). i actually found H-B through johnny virgil’s blog. someone forwarded me his now infamous j.c. penney post, and i thought, “hey, i can do that!”

truthfully, i was a little scared at first. humor is so subjective and you never know if anyone is going to find you as funny as you find yourself, but having a support group is great.lurk.jpg

come out of the shadows
lurking is ok for a while, but if you’re going to read other blogs, you should leave comments. i LOVE comments! that is how other bloggers will find you and you may generate a few loyal readers along the way.

do not steal!
plagiarism is a big blogging don’t. if you’re so hard up that you can’t come up with a decent post, then perhaps you shouldn’t be blogging at all.

i read blogs all the time and you should too. in fact, i get a lot of my ideas and inspiration from other blogs, but presenting someone else’s work as your own is just wrong. copyscape is a good place see if other people have been “borrowing” your work.

KISS (or keep it simple, stoopid)
this isn’t the time to try to write your dissertation. overly long posts do not get read, at least not when you don’t have an established audience.

and nobody is dennis miller, but dennis miller, so easy on the intellectualism. i find most people are funny if they just relax and be themselves.

watch your mouth
personally, i like profanity, and i think it can be used to great effect, as long as it’s done creatively. i can think of at least 57 different ways to use the “F” word and none of them involve actually writing out the entire word – eff, effing, freaking, friggin, fig, frack.

also don’t forget the creative use of the character keys. a well-placed “*” goes a long way. the possibilities are endless.

and, you won’t run the risk of alienating you’re more sensitive readers. vintagebra.jpg

use graphics!
i’ve been told i’m not allowed to talk about boobs or show pictures of my boobs, however, i cannot emphasize enough how using pictures in your posts can help illustrate a point like words never could. 

case in point – one of my recent posts that included pictures managed to get diesel in hot water with mrs. diesel, give sinister dan a bad case of wind, and net me a whopping 557 hits in one day, which is a pretty big deal for me, and i wasn’t even trying!

however, i cannot confirm that the use of gratuitous flesh shots will work for everyone, as this may not be the case unless you have ovaries. you’ll have to ask brent and wolf.

plus, i love seeing pictures of the people whose blogs i read. it makes me feel connected to them.

easy on the kiddie stories
look, i’m a parent too, so i think my kids are the funniest, smartest, most talented, athletic, beautiful, blah, blah, blah… creatures that ever walked the planet.

does that mean that i should be writing about what they did, said, ate, drank, or pooped every second of every day? no it does not, unless i’m using my blog as a substitute for some much-needed primal scream therapy. and neither should you. mix it up. stretch yourself. and throw in a good kid post every once in a while. your readers will thank you.

you’ll thank me for hooking you up with more funny blogs.

show us your t*ts!!!

i don’t know whether to be insulted or flattered. recently, i received the following comment on my post with my vacation pictures.

“Nothing is better for self-promotion than boob pics. Not that I’m pushing you one direction or another; just making an observation.”

since i’m such a lady, i won’t be naming any names (diesel), but you can go there and see for yourself who the perp is.

so this got me thinking, was this really a GBS (gratuitous boob shot) meant to increase my blog traffic? cos if so, it certainly didn’t work. so i decided to ask the expert on boobs – the hubs.

just to give you some background on how the hubs and i met, i’ll share the following story with you. before we got married, the hubs and i worked for the same company. i was a peon. he was my boss’s boss. so of course the following exchange is completely inappropriate on just about every level.

him: so you’re a runner?

me: only for fun. we drink beer after we’re done.

him: so what do you run in?

me: (wha?) ummm….the usual. shorts and a t-shirt…..why?

him: well, you’re boobs are so big, i thought you might need a special bra or something.

me: *crickets* (recovering) uh, you DO know that’s sexual harassment, don’t you?

him: (backpedaling) NO IT’S NOT!

me: yes, it is. and if i wasn’t so cool you’d be in a lot of trouble.

him: (sound of feet running away)

yeah, i married him anyway. obviously, NOT because of his superior knowledge of sexual harassment laws. but at least the man has good taste. to this day, he still maintains he was just concerned about my physical well-being, although he does not dispute that this conversation took place exactly as restated. yeah…whatever.

so i went to the source and asked the horse and according to him, this picture is nowhere near a GBS.

momfinal.jpg

 however, this certainly is:

leigh1.jpg

anyway, so now that we’ve got that all out of the way, please go to Humor-Blogs.com and click on the LOL face!