last night we had a girl’s night out for one of my friends who just had a birthday. we decided to go have drinks first and then dinner, and i didn’t come rolling in until about 1 a.m. this morning. it totally blows to be me right now, and all i want to do is scarf some breakfast tacos and then make a pallet under my desk in my office like george did on that episode of seinfeld.

anyway, i discovered something totally weird last night at pf changs. on a thursday night at 6:30 the place was SICK with crazy cougar action!

no silly! not this kind of cougar. this kind.

there appeared to be some sort of turf war going on with one camp parked at the bar and another solidly holding down the back corner, and they appeared none too pleased that the MILFs had just arrived.  relax ladies. we’re just here for the booze.

anyway, i have to admit, these women scared me. watching a bunch of scantily clad middle age women whoop it up in the pf changs bar was a new experience for me, but i don’t get out much anymore.

but guys, these woman are on the prowl and know what they want.

just wanted to pass along the info in case anyone’s interested.

get some at Humor-Blogs.com

yeah, i know. what the hell are you doing leigh?!! you’re asking. you don’t know *jack* about sports. you should be leaving this up to the pros like rickey henderson or damon or someone, anyone else with a penis. you’re probably right, but here goes anyway.

behold sean pendergast, repeat winner of the jim rome smackoff, a mockfest held annually on rome’s sports talk radio show. callers are invited to rip into athletes, teams, politicians and each other. the nastiest, lowdown meanest, funniest caller is crowned winner. now i may not know sports, but i do know funny, and nobody appreciates good sarcasm better then me.

it’s a cinderella story. pendergast, a balding middle-aged salesman at a financial services company, with a wicked sense of humor, manages to win the smackoff an unprecedented five times and come in second twice, and gets his own radio show in the houston market in the process. pendergast named himself the “cablinasian” as a spoof of tiger woods, who created the word to describe his multiracial heritage: ca (caucasian) bl (black) in (indian) asian (uh, asian). he’s not prejudiced. he makes fun of everybody.

so anyway, in addition to his radio show, the guy has a blog, the sports kolache. he doesn’t seem to get much traffic so i just wanted to send some his way.

now behold this (courtesy of the sports kolache): kige ramsey – a one man media conglomerate and “founder” of YouTube Sports. apparently this guy has been making and uploading videos for a while now, but just watch and then let me know if you think this poor boy has suffered a head injury.

that’s it for this special edition of H-B sports!

well, i’m going to france in april.  

my husband won this company-sponsored sales contest and the first place winners and their significant others are receiving an all(most) expense paid trip to paris.

my husband is ecstatic and has been doing his little happy dance all over the house.  

i’m being a cry-baby bitch.

you see, the second place winners (also known as the losers, according to my husband) are going to cabo.

let’s compare, shall we:

paris

• spend two days traveling to get there.
• arrive paris and spend four days riding around in tour buses visiting a bunch of old shit, while suffering the scorn and disdain of the locals.
• spend two days flying home.
• suffer from jet lag until the following week. jesus, i’m just adapting to daylight savings time.

cabo

• two hour plane trip.
• spend 7 days getting drunk on the beach.
• no english, no problem. your money’s green.
• two hour flight home.
• recuperate a day before going back to work.

… 

ok, so am i being ungrateful?

i’m asking you. which would you prefer? cabo or paris?

Humor-Blogs.com

or she would have been, if i had gotten my lazy ass up off the couch last night.

apparently, her myspace page was still active as of yesterday. sadly, now it’s gone. *UPDATE* page is back up!!!

now you may be wondering why in the world, i would be interested in having a high-priced call girl as my friend?

simple. anyone capable of almost single-handedly ruining eliot shitzer’s undeserved and ill-gotten career in politics is tops in my book. plus girlfriend can rock the chic hippy look.

shitzer’s entire career was built on lies, deceit and hypocrisy. i pity his wife and poor daughters, but he can burn in hell. i personally worked for a company that shitzer set his sights on and a lot of good, innocent people were hurt.

truthfully, i could really care less about a politician banging some high-dollar hooker. ordinarily, i’d be pissed and consider this a perfect case of wasting tax-payer’s money (can you say congressional hearing?). in shitzer’s case, i’m willing to make an exception. it’s the moral and ethical void he operated in, while hiding beneath a cloak of self-righteousness. plus he was a giant ass and a big bully. what comes around goes around and eliot, karma’s a bitch.

anyway, back to ashley. i love her. i’ve been out stalking her on the internet and found these lovely pictures, and these music samples. apparently she want to be a singer. i hope she makes it.

go girl. love you. call me.

http://www.humor-blogs.com/

my husband sells drugs.

“wow,” i’m sure you’re thinking. “i need to figure out how to have leigh hook me up.”

yeah, yeah, i should be so lucky. it’s pharmaceuticals, and not really even *good* pharmaceuticals, if you know what i’m talking about. if you need the drugs my husband is selling, you are seriously effed up and chances are you’ll be dead within six months. uplifting, i know.

but, he’s very good at selling them. he’s so good in fact, that chances are, we’ll be going to paris and italy (the european ones, not the texas ones) in april because of his sales abilities. in which case i’m going to need a passport.

so recently, i traipsed on down to the passport office. if you haven’t had the pleasure of going to the passport office, it’s a lot like going to the post office (cos it was in the back of the post office) only even more frustrating, if that’s humanly possible.

so i figured that i would share my experience with you, because i learned some valuable information, mostly due to the woman in line in front of me.

1. there is a form you can fill out online and print out before you get there. do this. 

2. bring your checkbook. the u.s. government does not take american express.

3. copies of anything do not mean shit.

4. powers of attorney do not mean shit.

5. your ignorance of the rules does not mean shit.

6. the fact that a baby cannot sign his own application does not mean shit. everyone getting a passport must be there, in person, no exceptions, regardless of whether or not they are even capable of holding a pen.

7. your unprepared ass is holding up the line and can you PLEASE move to the side so they can help someone that READ the website before they came down here and knows what the hell they are doing. NEXXXXT!!

7. smiling for your passport photo is strictly forbidden. however, looking like a deer caught in headlights is not only completely acceptable, it’s de rigueur.

dont forget to click http://www.humor-blogs.com/ for me. 

damn you, rickey henderson. i hate memes. but rickey just posted a really cool one that i had never seen before. movie quotes! awesome, i thought. i’ve seen tons of movies. this should be fun…and easy.

not even one. not even ONE that i could remotely figure out without googling. so, i’m taking the low road. i’m not trying to be clever, or impress anyone with my knowledge of obscure movie quotes. these are going to be easy, people. 

also, i have taken some liberties. they might not ALL be movies. i expect perfect scores.

let’s get crackin’:

1. get your ass to mars. (diesel – total recall)

2. i made some love stains in the back. you’ll see. (rickey – harold and kumar)

3. christ. seven years of college down the drain. might as well join the effing peace corps. (george – animal house)

4. giggity! (family guy – bee)

5. looks like i picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue. (frogster – airplane)

6. effing chuck norris! (renal failure – dodge ball)

7. people on ludes should not drive. (frogster – fast times at ridgemont high)

8. doughnuts. is there anything they can’t do? (harris bloom – homer simpson)

9. i’m not even supposed to be here today! (frogster – clerks)

10. wow, that was really scary and if you don’t mind me saying, if that don’t work, your breath will certainly get the job done, cause you definitely need some tic tacs or something, cause your breath STINKS! (joeybear – shrek)

11. slap it. shoot it. kaboot it! (joeybear – school of rock)

12. just cinch it! (diesel – SNL gap girls skit – this is a classic. i’m going to try to find it on youtube)

13. hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, i will. i got spare time. (frogster – tommy boy)

14. i caught you a delicious bass. (harris bloom – napolean dynamite)

15. he leaves work, he’s on his way home. WHAM, his cappa is detated from his head.

16. blown up, sir! (frogster – stripes)

17. this is a hybrid. this is a cross, ah, of bluegrass, kentucky bluegrass, featherbed bent, and northern california sensemilia. the amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff. (renal failure – caddyshack)

18. – what happened to buzzsaw? (frogster – running man)
      – he had to split.

19. tattoo on the lower back? might as well be a bullseye. (wedding crashers – rickey)

20. max, can you earmuff for me? we are going to get so much ass here, it’s going to be sick. i’m talking like crazy boy band ass. (old school – bee)

ok, there you have it. i’m not going to call any one out, but if you feel so inclined, come up with your own list.

get your ass over to http://www.humor-blogs.com/

according to some internet sources, when jared, the subway sandwich guy was in college, he operated a successful business from his dorm room – porn running.

seriously? is anyone really surprised by this? he just looks like a creepy video store guy.  supposedly he had an EXTENSIVE collection, which is *shocking*. 

he probably decided to go into business to supplement his food budget. anyway, so he started renting the movies for $1.00 a pop, and things just took off.

you know, personally, i don’t know why he stopped. jared seems like a pretty shrewd guy. he probably could have revolutionized the porn/sandwich industry. 

guy: yes, i’ll have an egg salad, extra mayo, and a copy of “dirty debutantes.”

jared: we’re having a special today, buy two sandwiches get a second video rental free.

guy: ok, i’ll also take a smoked turkey and “matchgame, the uncensored version.”

apparently business was booming. typically college students have a moderate amount of disposable income, are a great untapped market, and know a good bargain when they see it. look where it got michael dell.

if you find me even remotely funny, please click on http://humor-blogs.com/ 

my love for the show “the family guy” is no big secret. in fact, i think lois is a very good mother.

so the other night, my husband and i were watching the “back to the woods” episode i tivoed, when the following conversation took place:

him: what are you laughing at?

me: that barry manilow calls quagmire up on stage and sings to him instead of a girl.

him: why is that funny?

me: seriously? because barry manilow is gay.

him: what? barry manilow is not gay. i mean, his SONGS are gay, but he’s not gay. is he married?

me: no. but what difference does that make? elton john was married to a woman in the 80s and now he’s the freaking queen of england.

him: i still think you’re wrong.

me: hello? MAN-dy? a shadow of a MAN, a face through a window? you came and you gave without taking? some dude is looking through his window, among other things. obviously a thinly veiled nod to his lover, and it’s not “mandy.” it’s a MAN, baby.

him: that’s crazy talk. next you’ll be telling me stewie is gay.

me: uhhh….are we watching the same show?

him: stewie is not gay. what about that episode when he tries to do it with the popular high school girl?

me: yeah, well he also tries to do it with the DOG, too. look, i read about this. stewie is gay and he was going to come out, but the writers decided it was funnier to just have stewie want to sleep with everyone. hell, he even thinks about doing it with jesus. 

him: wha? i don’t believe it.

me: look, you have a gay brother. you’re supposed to know about this stuff. don’t you have any gaydar?

him: well, growing up, i knew my brother was different, i just thought he was a sissy. but he had me fooled because he always seemed to have these good looking girlfriends. anyway, so i when i finally figured out they were just beards, i slept with a couple of them. 

me: so i guess, technically, that doesn’t make them sloppy seconds.

…

so, i’ve decided i’m taking a poll. what do you think?

barry manilow, stewie – gay or not gay? (not that there’s anything wrong with that)

they take all comers over at

apparently, yes i am. since humor-blogs crashed a while back i’ve been having some problems with my humor-blogs account. my user profile just disappeared and the cute picture i photo-shopped down to fit was replaced by the running brown brick (can someone please tell me what the hell that thing is!?) and the cute little bio i wrote just went poof. plus i couldn’t even get in to edit my site details.

so anyway, because i love humor-blogs SOOO much, i have been harassing kindly asking diesel to please figure out what the hell is wrong and fix it.

then just a few days ago, i noticed that when i published a new post, it appeared TWICE on the humor-blogs funniest list. well…. THAT is pretty nice, i thought. i guess bee isn’t the only one who can figure out how to hog the front page and i didn’t have to blow anybody either.

great exposure aside, i still couldn’t get into my account even though it APPEARED that i was logged in (foreshadowing). and then yesterday i noticed that while leighonline.com was sitting pretty at about number 13 on the humor-blogs charts a usurper, leighonline, had just rounded the front page corner and was positioned at number 30, and in the bottom right corner was the little paper and pen icon that had been missing from my profile for so long.

yes, apparently, i somehow had two profiles – a bizarro leighonline if you will. 

and my computer was automatically logging me onto the bizarro profile. and additionally, i seem to have forgotton my original password which i was finally able to retrieve after manually logging out and then clicking on the “forgot your password” link.

a complete blond moment. almost but not quite as good as the time i was discussing the diaper-wearing astronaut with a co-worker.

me: why do you think they wear those diapers anyway? is it for the Zs?
him: uhhhh, you mean the Gs?
me: (laughing nervously to cover up my stupidity) ha ha, yeah that’s what i meant.
him: yeah, well i hear the Ds, Es and Fs are the real bitch.

at this point however, diesel had figured out what has wrong and deleted one of the profiles (the higher one of course) and now i’ve lost about half of my clicks.  thanks big guy. kidding. love you.

anyway, so i can’t believe i’m doing this, but i’m whoring myself out.

please click on humor-blogs to help me regain my once and hopefully future place on the charts.