Monthly Archives: March 2008

pf changs is to the 2000s what singles bars were to the 1970s

last night we had a girl’s night out for one of my friends who just had a birthday. we decided to go have drinks first and then dinner, and i didn’t come rolling in until about 1 a.m. this morning. it totally blows to be me right now, and all i want to do is scarf some breakfast tacos and then make a pallet under my desk in my office like george did on that episode of seinfeld.

anyway, i discovered something totally weird last night at pf changs. on a thursday night at 6:30 the place was SICK with crazy cougar action!

cougar_01tk.jpg

no silly! not this kind of cougar. this kind.

cougars1.jpg

there appeared to be some sort of turf war going on with one camp parked at the bar and another solidly holding down the back corner, and they appeared none too pleased that the MILFs had just arrived.  relax ladies. we’re just here for the booze.

anyway, i have to admit, these women scared me. watching a bunch of scantily clad middle age women whoop it up in the pf changs bar was a new experience for me, but i don’t get out much anymore.

but guys, these woman are on the prowl and know what they want.

just wanted to pass along the info in case anyone’s interested.

get some at Humor-Blogs.com

now, here’s leigh with the sports!

yeah, i know. what the hell are you doing leigh?!! you’re asking. you don’t know *jack* about sports. you should be leaving this up to the pros like rickey henderson or damon or someone, anyone else with a penis. you’re probably right, but here goes anyway.

behold sean pendergast, repeat winner of the jim rome smackoff, a mockfest held annually on SeanPendergast2.jpgrome’s sports talk radio show. callers are invited to rip into athletes, teams, politicians and each other. the nastiest, lowdown meanest, funniest caller is crowned winner. now i may not know sports, but i do know funny, and nobody appreciates good sarcasm better then me.

it’s a cinderella story. pendergast, a balding middle-aged salesman at a financial services company, with a wicked sense of humor, manages to win the smackoff an unprecedented five times and come in second twice, and gets his own radio show in the houston market in the process. pendergast named himself the “cablinasian” as a spoof of tiger woods, who created the word to describe his multiracial heritage: ca (caucasian) bl (black) in (indian) asian (uh, asian). he’s not prejudiced. he makes fun of everybody.

so anyway, in addition to his radio show, the guy has a blog, the sports kolache. he doesn’t seem to get much traffic so i just wanted to send some his way.

now behold this (courtesy of the sports kolache): kige ramsey – a one man media conglomerate and “founder” of YouTube Sports. apparently this guy has been making and uploading videos for a while now, but just watch and then let me know if you think this poor boy has suffered a head injury.

that’s it for this special edition of H-B sports!

what? i’m not white?

so everyone’s all excited about this blog, stuff white people like. even my MOM sent me the link…ok, so my mom’s reading blogs now, another thing white people love. (don’t be mad mom, i’m just trying to be funny. love you.) so i decided to go back and give this a second look.

after reading a couple of entries, imagine my surprise to discover….i may actually be black.

here’s a little slice of things i’m supposed to like.

soccer: i hate soccer. i coached. read all about it here.

threatening to move to canada: i’ve been. it’s cold. you go. more room for me here.

recycling: what’s that? we throw away everything. my kids are scandalized because they are being brainwashed at school. speaking of the school, if i get one more fund-raising kit promising fabulous prizes (cheap plastic trinkets) i will scream. letter to school: if you need money, please just ask me for a donation. this teaches kids a lot more about true charity and unselfish giving than selling wrapping paper for a keychain.

dogs: there is not a single non-human creature living in our house. not even a fish. my children think i’m the meanest mom on the planet. you see, i’ve already taken care of the little poopers in my house and now they’re all potty trained. i’m done. my days of cleaning up errant poop are officially over.

sarah silverman: she’s called an “alternative comic” because the bitch is not funny. did i mention she’s also a bitch? and no, “i’m effing matt damon” doesn’t count. right said fred, anyone?

the daily show/colbert report: snarky, elitist, left-wing liberals bug the shit out of me. hello, people!!! this is not a legitimate news source, it’s a COMEDY show. john, i liked you a lot better when you were a nobody VJ on the comedy channel when it first hit the air.

public radio: see previous.

knowing what’s best for poor people: see previous, previous.

gifted children: if i have to hear one more time from one of my neighbors about their children being “gifted and talented” i will strangle somebody. EVERYONE’s kid is in the gifted and talented program! stop living vicariously through your child. get a hobby! get a freaking job!!! find your own purpose in life!

hating your parents: i love my parents. they’re still married. they put me and both my sisters through college. they bought me veneers for my teeth. that’s love.

not having a tv: ok, smartasses. how are you watching the daily show?

natural medicine: yeah, this works. that’s why the average life span used to be 35.

arts degrees: worthless. and i should know, if only from personal experience. if my kids want to “find themselves” and take classes in underwater pottery making, it’s on their own dime.

graduate school: no, not an MBA, which would be actually useful, but an advanced art degree (see above).

and last but not least…

wearing shorts: this might be true if you live in BOSTON and it’s freaking christmas time. try wearing jeans when it’s 104 degrees and 80% humidity. go ahead, tough guy, i dare you.

i’m out.

dont forget to visit Humor-Blogs.com

april whine

tower.jpg

well, i’m going to france in april.  

my husband won this company-sponsored sales contest and the first place winners and their significant others are receiving an all(most) expense paid trip to paris.

my husband is ecstatic and has been doing his little happy dance all over the house.  

i’m being a cry-baby bitch.

you see, the second place winners (also known as the losers, according to my husband) are going to cabo.cabo.jpg

let’s compare, shall we:

paris

  • spend two days traveling to get there.
  • arrive paris and spend four days riding around in tour buses visiting a bunch of old shit, while suffering the scorn and disdain of the locals.
  • spend two days flying home.
  • suffer from jet lag until the following week. jesus, i’m just adapting to daylight savings time.

cabo

  • two hour plane trip.
  • spend 7 days getting drunk on the beach.
  • no english, no problem. your money’s green.
  • two hour flight home.
  • recuperate a day before going back to work.

… 

ok, so am i being ungrateful?

i’m asking you. which would you prefer? cabo or paris?

Humor-Blogs.com

ashley alexandra dupre is my new myspace friend

or she would have been, if i had gotten my lazy ass up off the couch last night.

apparently, her myspace page was still active as of yesterday. sadly, now it’s gone. *UPDATE* page is back up!!!

now you may be wondering why in the world, i would be interested in having a high-priced call girl as my friend?

simple. anyone capable of almost single-handedly ruining eliot shitzer’s undeserved and ill-gotten career in politics is tops in my book. plus girlfriend can rock the chic hippy look.

ashley.jpg

shitzer’s entire career was built on lies, deceit and hypocrisy. i pity his wife and poor daughters, but he can burn in hell. i personally worked for a company that shitzer set his sights on and a lot of good, innocent people were hurt.

truthfully, i could really care less about a politician banging some high-dollar hooker. ordinarily, i’d be pissed and consider this a perfect case of wasting tax-payer’s money (can you say congressional hearing?). in shitzer’s case, i’m willing to make an exception. it’s the moral and ethical void he operated in, while hiding beneath a cloak of self-righteousness. plus he was a giant ass and a big bully. what comes around goes around and eliot, karma’s a bitch.

anyway, back to ashley. i love her. i’ve been out stalking her on the internet and found these lovely pictures, and these music samples. apparently she want to be a singer. i hope she makes it.

go girl. love you. call me.

http://www.humor-blogs.com/

things i learned at the passport office

my husband sells drugs.

“wow,” i’m sure you’re thinking. “i need to figure out how to have leigh hook me up.”

yeah, yeah, i should be so lucky. it’s pharmaceuticals, and not really even *good* pharmaceuticals, if you know what i’m talking about. if you need the drugs my husband is selling, you are seriously effed up and chances are you’ll be dead within six months. uplifting, i know.

but, he’s very good at selling them. he’s so good in fact, that chances are, we’ll be going to paris and italy (the european ones, not the texas ones) in april because of his sales abilities. in which case i’m going to need a passport.

so recently, i traipsed on down to the passport office. if you haven’t had the pleasure of going to the passport office, it’s a lot like going to the post office (cos it was in the back of the post office) only even more frustrating, if that’s humanly possible.

so i figured that i would share my experience with you, because i learned some valuable information, mostly due to the woman in line in front of me.

1. there is a form you can fill out online and print out before you get there. do this. 

2. bring your checkbook. the u.s. government does not take american express.

3. copies of anything do not mean shit.

4. powers of attorney do not mean shit.

5. your ignorance of the rules does not mean shit.

6. the fact that a baby cannot sign his own application does not mean shit. everyone getting a passport must be there, in person, no exceptions, regardless of whether or not they are even capable of holding a pen.

7. your unprepared ass is holding up the line and can you PLEASE move to the side so they can help someone that READ the website before they came down here and knows what the hell they are doing. NEXXXXT!!

7. smiling for your passport photo is strictly forbidden. however, looking like a deer caught in headlights is not only completely acceptable, it’s de rigueur.

mug.jpg

dont forget to click http://www.humor-blogs.com/ for me. 

eff, i’ve been memed

damn you, rickey henderson. i hate memes. but rickey just posted a really cool one that i had never seen before. movie quotes! awesome, i thought. i’ve seen tons of movies. this should be fun…and easy. ThumbUpDown.gif

not even one. not even ONE that i could remotely figure out without googling. so, i’m taking the low road. i’m not trying to be clever, or impress anyone with my knowledge of obscure movie quotes. these are going to be easy, people. 

also, i have taken some liberties. they might not ALL be movies. i expect perfect scores.

let’s get crackin’:

1. get your ass to mars. (diesel – total recall)

2. i made some love stains in the back. you’ll see. (rickey – harold and kumar)

3. christ. seven years of college down the drain. might as well join the effing peace corps. (george – animal house)

4. giggity! (family guy – bee)

5. looks like i picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue. (frogster – airplane)

6. effing chuck norris! (renal failure – dodge ball)

7. people on ludes should not drive. (frogster – fast times at ridgemont high)

8. doughnuts. is there anything they can’t do? (harris bloom – homer simpson)

9. i’m not even supposed to be here today! (frogster – clerks)

10. wow, that was really scary and if you don’t mind me saying, if that don’t work, your breath will certainly get the job done, cause you definitely need some tic tacs or something, cause your breath STINKS! (joeybear – shrek)

11. slap it. shoot it. kaboot it! (joeybear – school of rock)

12. just cinch it! (diesel – SNL gap girls skit – this is a classic. i’m going to try to find it on youtube)

13. hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, i will. i got spare time. (frogster – tommy boy)

14. i caught you a delicious bass. (harris bloom – napolean dynamite)

15. he leaves work, he’s on his way home. WHAM, his cappa is detated from his head.

16. blown up, sir! (frogster – stripes)

17. this is a hybrid. this is a cross, ah, of bluegrass, kentucky bluegrass, featherbed bent, and northern california sensemilia. the amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff. (renal failure – caddyshack)

18. – what happened to buzzsaw? (frogster – running man)
      – he had to split.

19. tattoo on the lower back? might as well be a bullseye. (wedding crashers – rickey)

20. max, can you earmuff for me? we are going to get so much ass here, it’s going to be sick. i’m talking like crazy boy band ass. (old school – bee)

ok, there you have it. i’m not going to call any one out, but if you feel so inclined, come up with your own list.

get your ass over to http://www.humor-blogs.com/