Category Archives: i’m very angry

what? i’m not white?

so everyone’s all excited about this blog, stuff white people like. even my MOM sent me the link…ok, so my mom’s reading blogs now, another thing white people love. (don’t be mad mom, i’m just trying to be funny. love you.) so i decided to go back and give this a second look.

after reading a couple of entries, imagine my surprise to discover….i may actually be black.

here’s a little slice of things i’m supposed to like.

soccer: i hate soccer. i coached. read all about it here.

threatening to move to canada: i’ve been. it’s cold. you go. more room for me here.

recycling: what’s that? we throw away everything. my kids are scandalized because they are being brainwashed at school. speaking of the school, if i get one more fund-raising kit promising fabulous prizes (cheap plastic trinkets) i will scream. letter to school: if you need money, please just ask me for a donation. this teaches kids a lot more about true charity and unselfish giving than selling wrapping paper for a keychain.

dogs: there is not a single non-human creature living in our house. not even a fish. my children think i’m the meanest mom on the planet. you see, i’ve already taken care of the little poopers in my house and now they’re all potty trained. i’m done. my days of cleaning up errant poop are officially over.

sarah silverman: she’s called an “alternative comic” because the bitch is not funny. did i mention she’s also a bitch? and no, “i’m effing matt damon” doesn’t count. right said fred, anyone?

the daily show/colbert report: snarky, elitist, left-wing liberals bug the shit out of me. hello, people!!! this is not a legitimate news source, it’s a COMEDY show. john, i liked you a lot better when you were a nobody VJ on the comedy channel when it first hit the air.

public radio: see previous.

knowing what’s best for poor people: see previous, previous.

gifted children: if i have to hear one more time from one of my neighbors about their children being “gifted and talented” i will strangle somebody. EVERYONE’s kid is in the gifted and talented program! stop living vicariously through your child. get a hobby! get a freaking job!!! find your own purpose in life!

hating your parents: i love my parents. they’re still married. they put me and both my sisters through college. they bought me veneers for my teeth. that’s love.

not having a tv: ok, smartasses. how are you watching the daily show?

natural medicine: yeah, this works. that’s why the average life span used to be 35.

arts degrees: worthless. and i should know, if only from personal experience. if my kids want to “find themselves” and take classes in underwater pottery making, it’s on their own dime.

graduate school: no, not an MBA, which would be actually useful, but an advanced art degree (see above).

and last but not least…

wearing shorts: this might be true if you live in BOSTON and it’s freaking christmas time. try wearing jeans when it’s 104 degrees and 80% humidity. go ahead, tough guy, i dare you.

i’m out.

dont forget to visit Humor-Blogs.com

Advertisements

jamaican me crazy

about once a year, i suffer from a severe case of PMS, which in my world stands for “pack my shit.”

why would i be pissed off enough to run away from home?

typically this happens because i (a full-time, working mother with a daily commute of two hours – on a good day) live in a stupid-big, 4,600 square foot mcmansion with two children and a husband who think that the house fairy is responsible for keeping the place clean.

my family drops food, toys, school books, clothing, dirty underpants and assorted other crappola wherever they happen to be standing, and voila! everything is mysteriously returned to it’s original place in better-than-original condition.

i realize this is my own fault. i have fostered a make-believe environment in which things magically clean themselves, fold themselves and put themselves away. so about once a year, i get to the point where i am ready to divorce my family.

but this week, something wonderful happened. *cue hallelujah chorus* i am in love.

her name is janet and she is my new jamaician housekeeper. she came this week and cleaned from 7:30am until 7pm. embarrassingly enough, that should tell you the state of my house because she didn’t even finish. but i told her to go home because, hell, i was pooped from just watching her do all that work. so i gave her an extra $20 plus a bottle of wine.

all i can say is, i hope she wasn’t so disgusted that she doesn’t come back. i need her…really bad. she is my crack and i’m completely addicted.

janet came highly recommended but not cheap. but i say, you get what you pay for. and i just paid for another year of sanity.

i think i’m going to eat out of this thing.

i got f*cked and didn’t even get kissed

i’ve always been a reader of Dilbert, and occasionally found the strip funny, like when wally’s farts were harnessed for a fuel source (yes, i’m easily amused), but it never really had a lot of relevance to me until i made the jump from the corporate zoo i call financial services, to the wonderful world of software development. “free at last!” i thought. no more micromanaging bosses, no more pantyhose and closed-toe shoes, no more working for middle-management idiots that only got where they are because their last boss just wanted them gone. no, i’m going to be working with smart nerdy types, i reasoned, but it beats working with self-serving A-holes. so as i began my journey into the world of software development life cycle, and ROI, and marketechture, thus began my indoctrination into the world of all things Dilbert.

so when the following strip appeared in the paper, i laughed knowingly at it’s new-found relevance, but also secretly rejoiced that i no longer worked for a company in which it took an act of god to schedule any vacation in advance, and if you wanted BOTH thanksgiving and xmas off, well, apparently i just did not know the right people to sleep with to make this happen.

 

then this showed up in my mailbox:

From: Office of XXXX
To:EMPL-COUNTRY-United States
Subject: Extended Holiday Break

Dear Colleagues:

The 2007 calendar year is shaping up to be a very good year for XXX. By almost any measure, this has been the most productive product delivery year we’ve ever had…blah, blah, blah.

So, today I think we should start to think about the holiday season and our plans to enjoy it with family and friends. Many companies around the world and across a broad range of industries use the period between December 24 and January 1 as an extended break period for employees.

…we are announcing an extended holiday break in the U.S. from December 24 through January 1. As you probably know, December 24 and 25, and January 1 are already paid holidays in the U.S. Employees will be required to use vacation or floating holidays for the remaining days, December 26, 27, and 28, and are encouraged to take off December 31 as well.

I believe the extended holiday break will be good for employees, for our families, and for XXX. I hope you agree and I appreciate your support. Enjoy your time off — you’ve earned it!!!

did you see it? take your time. it took a complete rereading for me to fully comprehend the bend-over that was taking place.

Dear Employer:
1. do you think i’m stupid?
b. do you think i’m stupid?
3. do not send some corporate HR asshat down here to feel out employee morale. it’s in the crapper, we hate you all, we can smell fear, and just a whiff of anyone of you could incite an impromptu lynch mob.
4. i know a thinly-veiled attempt to move accrued unpaid vacation off the books in order to make the bottom line look more attractive to stockholders when i see it, but PLEASSSSE do not try to make it seem like you are doing me any favors by forcing me to take my vacation “which i’ve earned!!!” when you want me to. asses. rot in hell.

i just know that some bean counter at corporate headquarters in california came up with this genius idea, and he probably got a big fat bonus for it. i just got screwed. and this time, i didn’t have to sleep with anyone at all.

from MILF to mom

a few weeks ago a coworker and i were shopping. i love my coworker and she is hysterically funny. she is also olive-skinned with dark brown hair and brown eyes. i am blond with freckles and blue eyes. as we were out shopping and trying on clothes, a dressing room clerk took it upon herself to ask my friend, “does your MOM want to try on some stuff too? now i realize i’m getting older, but there’s only a *ahem* small span in our ages, certainly not a generation’s worth, unless you’re from arkansas. instead of calling her a dumb-ass bitch like i should have and kicked her down and screamed, “WHO’S YOUR MOMMA NOW BITCH?!”, i became completely depressed, if not somewhat obsessed, about my appearance. i went and bought a whole bunch of new moisturizers, magic cosmetics meant to “diffuse” my lines, whatever the eff that means, researched buying my own restylane from france and having my pediatrician sister, dr. laura, inject it into my face (which if not slightly illegal may yield somewhat less than aesthetically pleasing results), and generally was depressed. then i forgot about it.

until last weekend…when i took my son, the bully, to a birthday party. i was running around this outdoor park with him in my tank top, feeling very young and sexy and proud of myself because all the other moms were sitting under the shaded tables while the dads and i were out “bonding” with our boys. a group of us, including some teenagers, were lining up to get in the go-carts when one of the snarky zit-faced attendants tapped me on the shoulder and stated very seriously, “ma’am, your teenager can’t drive the double car unless he’s 18.” *cue crickets* ok, so he ASSumed since i was the only woman there i had to be the mom. at least the violator in question was blond, so it could have been a possibility…but poor attendant boy. little did he realize he was about to have the pent-up wrath from my previous encounter unleashed upon his poor unsuspecting young ass. attendant boy will think twice before he “ma’am’s” anyone else again for a long time.

ok, bitchez. i get it. somewhere, somehow along the way, i have become a mom. i mean i’ve been an actual mom for a while, but evidently, now i look like a mom …and it’s really starting to piss me off. i used to think i looked sexy and young and could pass for 25 from the back. i was a MILF, or so i have been told. not anymore. and sadly, apparently i look like the mom of whomever i happen to be standing next to. at the rate i’m going, people are going to be asking my son at graduation, “what’s your grandma doing here?”