so everyone’s all excited about this blog, stuff white people like. even my MOM sent me the link…ok, so my mom’s reading blogs now, another thing white people love. (don’t be mad mom, i’m just trying to be funny. love you.) so i decided to go back and give this a second look.
after reading a couple of entries, imagine my surprise to discover….i may actually be black.
here’s a little slice of things i’m supposed to like.
soccer: i hate soccer. i coached. read all about it here.
threatening to move to canada: i’ve been. it’s cold. you go. more room for me here.
recycling: what’s that? we throw away everything. my kids are scandalized because they are being brainwashed at school. speaking of the school, if i get one more fund-raising kit promising fabulous prizes (cheap plastic trinkets) i will scream. letter to school: if you need money, please just ask me for a donation. this teaches kids a lot more about true charity and unselfish giving than selling wrapping paper for a keychain.
dogs: there is not a single non-human creature living in our house. not even a fish. my children think i’m the meanest mom on the planet. you see, i’ve already taken care of the little poopers in my house and now they’re all potty trained. i’m done. my days of cleaning up errant poop are officially over.
sarah silverman: she’s called an “alternative comic” because the bitch is not funny. did i mention she’s also a bitch? and no, “i’m effing matt damon” doesn’t count. right said fred, anyone?
the daily show/colbert report: snarky, elitist, left-wing liberals bug the shit out of me. hello, people!!! this is not a legitimate news source, it’s a COMEDY show. john, i liked you a lot better when you were a nobody VJ on the comedy channel when it first hit the air.
public radio: see previous.
knowing what’s best for poor people: see previous, previous.
gifted children: if i have to hear one more time from one of my neighbors about their children being “gifted and talented” i will strangle somebody. EVERYONE’s kid is in the gifted and talented program! stop living vicariously through your child. get a hobby! get a freaking job!!! find your own purpose in life!
hating your parents: i love my parents. they’re still married. they put me and both my sisters through college. they bought me veneers for my teeth. that’s love.
not having a tv: ok, smartasses. how are you watching the daily show?
natural medicine: yeah, this works. that’s why the average life span used to be 35.
arts degrees: worthless. and i should know, if only from personal experience. if my kids want to “find themselves” and take classes in underwater pottery making, it’s on their own dime.
graduate school: no, not an MBA, which would be actually useful, but an advanced art degree (see above).
and last but not least…
wearing shorts: this might be true if you live in BOSTON and it’s freaking christmas time. try wearing jeans when it’s 104 degrees and 80% humidity. go ahead, tough guy, i dare you.
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