Category Archives: i’m easily amused

what? i’m not white?

so everyone’s all excited about this blog, stuff white people like. even my MOM sent me the link…ok, so my mom’s reading blogs now, another thing white people love. (don’t be mad mom, i’m just trying to be funny. love you.) so i decided to go back and give this a second look.

after reading a couple of entries, imagine my surprise to discover….i may actually be black.

here’s a little slice of things i’m supposed to like.

soccer: i hate soccer. i coached. read all about it here.

threatening to move to canada: i’ve been. it’s cold. you go. more room for me here.

recycling: what’s that? we throw away everything. my kids are scandalized because they are being brainwashed at school. speaking of the school, if i get one more fund-raising kit promising fabulous prizes (cheap plastic trinkets) i will scream. letter to school: if you need money, please just ask me for a donation. this teaches kids a lot more about true charity and unselfish giving than selling wrapping paper for a keychain.

dogs: there is not a single non-human creature living in our house. not even a fish. my children think i’m the meanest mom on the planet. you see, i’ve already taken care of the little poopers in my house and now they’re all potty trained. i’m done. my days of cleaning up errant poop are officially over.

sarah silverman: she’s called an “alternative comic” because the bitch is not funny. did i mention she’s also a bitch? and no, “i’m effing matt damon” doesn’t count. right said fred, anyone?

the daily show/colbert report: snarky, elitist, left-wing liberals bug the shit out of me. hello, people!!! this is not a legitimate news source, it’s a COMEDY show. john, i liked you a lot better when you were a nobody VJ on the comedy channel when it first hit the air.

public radio: see previous.

knowing what’s best for poor people: see previous, previous.

gifted children: if i have to hear one more time from one of my neighbors about their children being “gifted and talented” i will strangle somebody. EVERYONE’s kid is in the gifted and talented program! stop living vicariously through your child. get a hobby! get a freaking job!!! find your own purpose in life!

hating your parents: i love my parents. they’re still married. they put me and both my sisters through college. they bought me veneers for my teeth. that’s love.

not having a tv: ok, smartasses. how are you watching the daily show?

natural medicine: yeah, this works. that’s why the average life span used to be 35.

arts degrees: worthless. and i should know, if only from personal experience. if my kids want to “find themselves” and take classes in underwater pottery making, it’s on their own dime.

graduate school: no, not an MBA, which would be actually useful, but an advanced art degree (see above).

and last but not least…

wearing shorts: this might be true if you live in BOSTON and it’s freaking christmas time. try wearing jeans when it’s 104 degrees and 80% humidity. go ahead, tough guy, i dare you.

i’m out.

dont forget to visit Humor-Blogs.com

bald is the new hot

i have the hots for jason statham. a while back i wrote this post in an overheated moment after re-watching transporter 2 for like the 50th time, but it didn’t get much traffic. within the last few weeks, though, i have become the major destination of google searches for “jason statham shirtless” and “bald bad ass” and a lot of them seem to be originating from san francisco. no explanation needed there. i don’t know why people are suddenly figuring out that jason’s a babe, cos this is old news.

anyway, when i was younger, i totally dug men with long hair who could wear it in a ponytail (you’ll have to excuse me, as i blame this for having grown up in austin), but over time, i have decided that bald heads are quite sexy in their own right (hello, it’s like your head is NAKED) – and sometimes, it’s really the only acceptable option. for example:

trump.jpg

rich man, poor hair

hair is not supposed to have an EDGE. no one is being fooled here, except maybe the donald himself.

psssttt….here’s a secret: most all woman would prefer that a man just make peace with his hair loss issues, rather than hiding behind under a bad comb-over or some unnatural looking plugs.

deciding to let go of the few remaining strands must be very difficult for some people, but for the guys who are brave enough to just go for it, the results can be spectacular. (click the thumbnails for a larger image)

these guys were pioneers:

savalas.jpg yul.jpg
(telly savales and yul brynner)

who loves ya, baby? 

these are the current reigning bald bad asses:

 billy.jpg bruce.jpg chris.jpg agassi.jpg kelly.jpg patrick.jpg vindiesel.jpg

 (billy zane, bruce willis, chris daughtry, andre agassi, kelly slater (hubba), patrick stewart, vin deisel)

after jason, of course. 

and here are some who should seriously consider it. i’d just respect them a whole lot more.

nic cage doing his best nic nolte booking-photo impersonation:

 nic.jpg 

… 

john, please stop effing with us. utterly ridiculous.

johndouble.jpg 

omg, he actually looks good.

johnbald.jpg

… 

oh, the possibilities. the hotness awaits, homer.

homer.jpg

there’s more funny stuff over at http://www.humor-blogs.com/

it’s official. i’m hot.

eff, i love the internet. i think i’ve finally found the antidote for my suppressed adult ADD. as long as the web continues to exist, blog fodder will never be in short supply.

here’s the most recent source of my amusement – hot or not. i was bored so i decided to put my picture up just to see what would happen. in about eight hours i got the following in a email:

imhot.jpg

“whoa!” i thought. apparently, a certain percentage of 192 voters agree. i’m hotter than 98% of the women on this site.

before i allowed any of this go to my head, i decided to check out the other talent. after viewing a few profiles i decided 9.8 was not that much of an accomplishment, considering this was about my closest competition (scoring a 9.4) who i managed to beat without resorting to homemade porn shots.

hot.jpg

also, it probably didn’t hurt that i listed my age as 99, or that i am genetically female, because i’m pretty sure these three are smuggling grapes in their vanity fair’s smoothing, supporting, non-binding tranny panties. these guys scored 5.5, 6.1, and 9 (holy crap!) respectively. but you can’t fool me, guys. man hands will give it away every time.

              not3.jpg  not2.jpgnot4.jpg

… 

ok, now to address the haters.

who the eff voted me a 1? this is seriously screwing up my average and now, it’s personal. so i’m asking my *ahem* devoted readers to help me out. go here and vote for me at hot or not and make it count.

XOXOXO

Humor-Blogs.com

guitar heroine?

there’s a new video game in town. it seems like everyone i know has gotten guitar hero III – my neighbors, coworkers, colleagues. joan.jpgeveryone is talking about it and the competitiveness is getting bad – and i’m not talking about the kids. the other day a conversation i was having about it with a friend quickly deteriorated into this:

me: oh, i love GH III. i got it for the kids but i’ve been playing it too.

b: me too.

me: level one is WAY too easy. i skipped to level two and i’ve already beat it!

b: oh yeah, well, i skipped level two and i’m on level THREE cos i didn’t want my orange button to feel neglected!

me: no way!

b: way!

seriously, the popularity of this game has gone beyond the usual target audience for video games and even adults are playing it. and i think the explanation is simple. who didn’t want to be in a band when they were younger? even during my dorky marching band days, i would dream of being joan jett or lita ford, rocking on stage, which was a lot sexier than honking on a clarinet.

so, i picked up an old guitar and learned how to play a few chords but never got much further than “cum bah ya” on the six string. but now, with GH, i have the ability to make with the rock on the guitar-shaped controller. every time the kids turn the game on they exclaim, “mommy! you got us some new songs!”

this game is awesome. there’s no PROFANITY and no hidden SEX scenes, and no one is SHOOTING anyone,  and it is just plain FUN. so i was completely floored recently when i heard someone dissing it. at a restaurant the other night, we were seated next to a large table, headed up by some blowhard who felt entitled to loudly express his opinions to everyone at his table and to anyone in earshot. in addition to letting everyone around him know that he was an attorney (which will get you killed in some parts of texas), he loudly proclaimed that GH was a terrible game and that it was giving kids the false impression that they were really learning how to play the guitar. all the members of his party bobbed their heads up and down and murmured their agreements. my kids just looked at me.

lita.jpgdude…it’s a GAME. and you probably bought it, but you suck at it. admit it, you wanted to rock when you were young but you were probably in the latin club instead. you obviously were never in a band (or in BAND for that matter) because nobody in their right mind thinks this is REAL guitar playing. even slash got hooked on this game while touring, because it helped him unwind after an evening of thrashing. was he offended? no. did he get incensed because he thought it was infringing on his turf? no. it was just a game and he liked it, and kept playing and playing until he beat the damn thing (level two only, not expert – i feel in good company) and then he decided to endorse the effer because he thought it was so great. so there. geez. go back to practicing something you might know something about and shut the eff up. if it’s good enough for slash, it’s good enough for me.

so anyway, i am trying to work my way through level three (i hate the orange button) and have even read that there’s a duet challenge dubbed the “joan and lita award” but i haven’t found it so far.

i can’t wait. i’ll have to find another mom in the neighborhood to jam with me.

help me mommy-wan kenobi, you’re my only hope

i have had to institute a new rule at the household this week. and this new rule is: peeing without opening your eyes is not allowed.

why do we need this rule? i’m not entirely sure, as i was not actually there to witness what directly preceded the incident. however, the only rational explanation i can come up with for my son to have completely pissed the floor AND the wall while directly standing in front of the toilet was that he was trying to use the force.pee.jpg

my interrogation yielded few clues:

me: now what….exactly… were you doing?
him: uhhhh, i don’t know.
me: did you slip and fall or something?
him: uhhhh, no.
me: were you holding on to it?!
him: uhhhh, yes.
me: have you been drinking?
him:  uhhh…..wha?

this is a 7-year-old boy who has been potty trained since he was 2. who knew this rule was necessary? certainly not me. as a girl, the rules of peeing are pretty much unwritten, and provided your ass has already made (and keeps) contact with the toilet seat, any manner of free-styling (hands-free, eyes closed, whatever) is completely acceptable.

act two:

so about 30 minutes later i hear a blood-curdling scream coming from my bedroom. i raced into the room only to come face to face with nothing. slowly i scanned the room…and my gaze stopped at the top of the 6-foot-tall headboard, where a little face and ten tiny fingers clung between the massive wooden structure and the wall. “help mommy!” the little face pleaded.

after three strong tugs i was able to pull him free and after he was safe, he cried, “i don’t want to die mommy!”

anyway, not to belabor the obvious because i’m sure you know where this is going, but we have had to instigate rule #2: no one is allowed to run across the headboard of mommy’s bed or else they might fall in the crack and die.

star wars analogies aside, there were a few lessons learned last night. first, imaginative play is all well and good until you have to clean up your own errant pee. and second, climbing the headboard of mommy’s bed can be every bit as dangerous as navigating the central core of the death star to shut down the tractor beam, especially for the tiniest jedi knight.

greed is good?

i haven’t been feeling fulfilled lately regarding work. i know work is just work, but i derive a certain amount of self worth from my career, and while spending endless hours sitting in front of a computer surfing the web and blogging while getting paid for it may sound like fun, actually it can get pretty boring.gekko.jpg

so i turned to some friends for career advice. i’ve heard some really interesting stuff ranging from “don’t ever be afraid to take a job where everything is effed up because if you can’t fix it, well, it was effed up in the first place, but if you can fix it, you’re a freaking hero,” (you have to be careful on this one because it can backfire) to my personal favorite, “embrace your inner mercenary.”

so i’ve been exploring my inner mercenary and i have to say, i’m feeling rather dirty.  exploring your options is so different when you don’t actually need a job and i’m new to this party. i feel sort of sneaky and manipulative, and i’m kinda enjoying it… but it sure beats playing games with an HR recruiter when you’re truly desperate.

gordon gekko had this interesting piece of advice: what’s worth doing is worth doing for money.  he was only half right. i say: what’s worth doing is worth doing purely for the hell of it.

just because you have a job doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t see what’s out there. don’t wait until you need a job to look for your next one. go on interviews for jobs you have no intention of taking and may be completely unqualified for. ask for an f*load more money than you’re are making. and why not? if you get a low-ball offer you just turn it down. why? because you don’t really need a job, remember?!

so while i don’t completely agree that greed is good, what i do agree with is… know your worth. control your destiny. you can decide where you want to work and how much you want to make. you have nothing to lose, but a whole lot to gain.

sorry, wrong number

i work with idiots.

now, i know what you are thinking. most of us suspect that we are working with idiots but usually this is just a suspicion based on limited interaction with little in the way of any substantial proof. 

so it’s pretty awesome when some good solid evidence just falls into your lap. the other day i got this email:

From: Security-Houston-Reception
Subject: 911 Calls

The police department are getting numerous 911 calls from XXX, please be careful when dialing international calls. If you need assistance please contact me if you need help completing a call. Instead of hanging up on the 911 dispatcher, please be courteous and let him or her know you made a mistake otherwise they will continue to respond to the 911 calls.

Thanks,

Security Receptionist, XXX Corporation

ok, so first – apparently i’m working with software engineers who can write code in their sleep, but they can’t figure out how to use a freaking telephone.

and second – what kind of person calls 911 and then hangs up when someone answers, “911, can i help you?”

i will tell you what kind of person calls 911 and then hangs up. a four year old, that’s who. how do i know this? i know this because my neighbor’s four year old daughter called 911. not once, but twice. and then just breathed heavily into the phone and listened to the people on the other end try to figure out what was wrong. then she hung up. and about 10 minutes later the fire trucks arrived. the general problem here is that they did not really need any fire trucks to come out and the parents had to explain to the nice firefighters that it was all just a misunderstanding.

my children however, have been completely educated in the finer points of when and how to call 911. like when my son knocked his cars movie lamp off his nightstand and the shade fell off, and the bare bulb burned all day long, through the carpet and the padding and was in the process of charring the wood sub-flooring when we finally discovered it due to the smell of burning plastic emanating from his bedroom.

my children were running through the house yelling, “dial 911!!! dial 911, mommy!” and then they proceeded to scream directions to our house in the background while i was talking on the phone because they just wanted to help. i finally had to tell them to shut up because they were confusing the dispatcher.

but THAT, people, is how to teach your kids to call 911.

apparently no one ever taught these idiots.