when i was growing up, sessie and i shared a room with two twin beds, complete with classic 1970s matching bates corded bedspreads in pepto bismol pink. i think every kid in america had these bedspreads growing up. they sold them through the sears catalog and they were available in a myriad of colors.
personally, i wasn’t so fond of them because they were kinda thin and scratchy and if you sat on the top of the bed for a while, you got the cord indentions all over the backs of your legs. but my mom loved them because they were indestructible and machine washable.
there was also someone else in the house that loved them. our freak-ass cat. we were always bringing home stray cats, which mom would sneak off to the ASPCA while we were at school, but for some reason, mom relented and let us keep this one, and we named her maggie, after the rod stewart song “maggie mae.” maggie mae was kind of a crazy bitch and the song lyrics couldn’t have turned out to be more prophetic.
maggie had a bunch of issues, as most strays do, but there was one in particular that’s forever burned into my brain. when sessie and i were at school, maggie would go into our room and get up on our beds and drag her cat junk across the covers and leave kitty skid marks all over the bedspreads.
unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, because the bedspreads were pink, it was completely apparent what maggie had been up to, and sessie and i would scream and mom would come running and take them off and wash them. sessie and i just assumed that maggie had discovered that the ribbing on the spreads was an excellent source of kitty charmin or that it just made for a good butt scratching.
kudos to johnny over at 15 minute lunch, however, for solving this long-standing childhood mystery. it appears that all maggie needed was a good anal gland expression and she had discovered all that corded nubby goodness was doing the trick.
apparently, this is not an uncommon problem for house pets and your vet is more than happy to relieve you of $30 a pop to perform this service. i say, invest the $19.95 for the current twin version of the spread and you’re all set.