Category Archives: i’m easily amused

O RLY?

some geniuses in england recently did a study and found out that people swear at work…and it makes them feel better. now, i have known for a long time that swearing at work (and about work) makes ME feel a lot better, but interesting enough, they also “discovered” that “women also swore more than might traditionally be expected, especially among themselves.”

the research was done by some university near london, and they should really know better, because i happen to know some english people personally, and they can cuss up a storm. my first memory of a grownup cussing happened at a picnic when i was a child. a lovely british lady waiting in line for potato salad said to her companion, “shit, love. you’ve got a prettier paper plate than me.” now, if that doesn’t make you want to use profanity, i don’t know what will.

ok, so it took a freaking research study to figure this out? this was completely unnecessary. they could have just bugged the ladies room during a happy hour. or watched sex and the city. or been in my office when the corporate f*tards sent out the forced vacation email.

if they wanted to know about how women really act they could have just asked me. i’d be happy to demystify the feminine mystique:

  • woman love musicians. the ability to play the guitar will help you get laid. even if the only chords you know are D, E and F…and you don’t even play those really well.
  • anything you say or do, ever, will be held against you.
  • 100% of women who say wearing a thong is “comfortable” are lying. real women go commando.
  • we know shopping is not a sport and we don’t care. it’s how we get even when we’re pissed off at you.
  • woman do fart, but ours are silent and we can blame it on the dog…or the baby, whichever’s closer.
  • porn is good, but what really gets us in the mood is watching you fold up the laundry that’s been sitting in a pile on the couch for 3 days.

there. i just saved somebody a whole lot of money. now i’m going shopping.

13 going on none of your damn business

the author at 13the other day during an admittedly immature conversation i was having with a friend, i was asked if i was feeling 12, to which the only appropriate response i could provide was, no, i’m 13. which got me thinking. what had caused my downward slide into my current state of continuing regressed adolescence? in fact, i think i may be a teenage boy. observe:

  • i watch reruns of family guy and think lois is a good mother.
  • i never hesitate to use a four-letter word when an equally inoffensive one would do just as well (not around the kids of course).
  • i worship at the alter of kevin smith.
  • i prefer the company of men to most females.
  • i find it hysterically funny that my six year old son once remarked after coming and sitting on my lap after i had been out working in the yard on a hot summer day, “ewww mommy, you smell like tuna!”

i think the shift began sometime during my years at college. one of three sisters, i was raised by a baby-boom mother who had always taught me that “a lady doesn’t XXX (you fill in the blank).” so i didn’t. however, after being repeatedly asked by my guy friends, “you don’t have any brothers do you?” in a slightly irritated and condescending way, i realized that apparently i had some huge glaring character flaw which made it obvious to all observers that i had not grown up privy to the peccadillo’s of the male of the human species and had little ability to hide my disdain for them.

so i began to observe how boys behaved. i watched the nonchalance of their interactions. i studied their vernacular. i discovered the joys of raunchy teen movies. i read about sports. i learned how to inconspicuously pee in a lake after drinking a lot of beer while water skiing. i let go of my pre-conceived goody-girl notions. in essence, i learned how to just hang with the guys. and if i didn’t completely embrace all the testosterone fueled, Y-chromosome-based behaviors, well at least i learned how to fake it pretty good.

which brings me back to the present. i wouldn’t say i seek out the company of men over women. it’s just that typically i find them not as complicated, less conniving, more forgiving, easily amused, and the same level of maturity.

so, i guess it all boils down to this: you’re only as young, or as immature as you feel. and maybe, eventually, i’ll act my age. but probably not.