some geniuses in england recently did a study and found out that people swear at work…and it makes them feel better. now, i have known for a long time that swearing at work (and about work) makes ME feel a lot better, but interesting enough, they also “discovered” that “women also swore more than might traditionally be expected, especially among themselves.”

the research was done by some university near london, and they should really know better, because i happen to know some english people personally, and they can cuss up a storm. my first memory of a grownup cussing happened at a picnic when i was a child. a lovely british lady waiting in line for potato salad said to her companion, “shit, love. you’ve got a prettier paper plate than me.” now, if that doesn’t make you want to use profanity, i don’t know what will.

ok, so it took a freaking research study to figure this out? this was completely unnecessary. they could have just bugged the ladies room during a happy hour. or watched sex and the city. or been in my office when the corporate f*tards sent out the forced vacation email.

if they wanted to know about how women really act they could have just asked me. i’d be happy to demystify the feminine mystique:

• woman love musicians. the ability to play the guitar will help you get laid. even if the only chords you know are D, E and F…and you don’t even play those really well.
• anything you say or do, ever, will be held against you.
• 100% of women who say wearing a thong is “comfortable” are lying. real women go commando.
• we know shopping is not a sport and we don’t care. it’s how we get even when we’re pissed off at you.
• woman do fart, but ours are silent and we can blame it on the dog…or the baby, whichever’s closer.
• porn is good, but what really gets us in the mood is watching you fold up the laundry that’s been sitting in a pile on the couch for 3 days.

there. i just saved somebody a whole lot of money. now i’m going shopping.