what? i’m not white?

so everyone’s all excited about this blog, stuff white people like. even my MOM sent me the link…ok, so my mom’s reading blogs now, another thing white people love. (don’t be mad mom, i’m just trying to be funny. love you.) so i decided to go back and give this a second look.

after reading a couple of entries, imagine my surprise to discover….i may actually be black.

here’s a little slice of things i’m supposed to like.

soccer: i hate soccer. i coached. read all about it here.

threatening to move to canada: i’ve been. it’s cold. you go. more room for me here.

recycling: what’s that? we throw away everything. my kids are scandalized because they are being brainwashed at school. speaking of the school, if i get one more fund-raising kit promising fabulous prizes (cheap plastic trinkets) i will scream. letter to school: if you need money, please just ask me for a donation. this teaches kids a lot more about true charity and unselfish giving than selling wrapping paper for a keychain.

dogs: there is not a single non-human creature living in our house. not even a fish. my children think i’m the meanest mom on the planet. you see, i’ve already taken care of the little poopers in my house and now they’re all potty trained. i’m done. my days of cleaning up errant poop are officially over.

sarah silverman: she’s called an “alternative comic” because the bitch is not funny. did i mention she’s also a bitch? and no, “i’m effing matt damon” doesn’t count. right said fred, anyone?

the daily show/colbert report: snarky, elitist, left-wing liberals bug the shit out of me. hello, people!!! this is not a legitimate news source, it’s a COMEDY show. john, i liked you a lot better when you were a nobody VJ on the comedy channel when it first hit the air.

public radio: see previous.

knowing what’s best for poor people: see previous, previous.

gifted children: if i have to hear one more time from one of my neighbors about their children being “gifted and talented” i will strangle somebody. EVERYONE’s kid is in the gifted and talented program! stop living vicariously through your child. get a hobby! get a freaking job!!! find your own purpose in life!

hating your parents: i love my parents. they’re still married. they put me and both my sisters through college. they bought me veneers for my teeth. that’s love.

not having a tv: ok, smartasses. how are you watching the daily show?

natural medicine: yeah, this works. that’s why the average life span used to be 35.

arts degrees: worthless. and i should know, if only from personal experience. if my kids want to “find themselves” and take classes in underwater pottery making, it’s on their own dime.

graduate school: no, not an MBA, which would be actually useful, but an advanced art degree (see above).

and last but not least…

wearing shorts: this might be true if you live in BOSTON and it’s freaking christmas time. try wearing jeans when it’s 104 degrees and 80% humidity. go ahead, tough guy, i dare you.

i’m out.

dont forget to visit Humor-Blogs.com

10 thoughts on “what? i’m not white?

  1. Bee

    “pubic radio”?? BWAHAHAHA! J/K ;o)
    Hmmm… I am/do some of these, I guess that makes me white instead of a saucy latina! 🙂
    I love Colbert. He makes me laugh and swoon at the same time.

  2. leigh Post author

    hanni – i did say MAY, in my defense. interestingly enough, the hosts of the 80s party are a bi-racial couple – she’s indian and he’s korean. go figure.

    bee – BWAHAHAHAHAHA! nice catch. yeah, i HATE that shit. hair everywhere.

  3. Daniel

    I am excruciatingly white according to the list however I would be remiss if I failed to note that those whose racial identity are not reflected therein would be “non-white” and not automatically black, n’est pas?

    very good post, by the way. Thanks

  4. Bex

    Just the other day I heard a radio ad for a local jewelry store that specializes in engagement rings. The owners are, I believe, Jewish. And they don’t hire a guy to talk so it’s the actual owner talking on his radio ads. So yesterday I hear the guy saying, “Yo. You wanna see a smile on your girls’ grill? Geller and Sons is in DA HOUSE.” Or something like that. But it was his normal voice, yet he was using…I guess you could say urban vocabulary. I wonder what your ‘what white people like’ blog would have to say about THAT.

    Some white people want to sound like they aren’t white. Fo shizzle! (I’m such a gangsta…yo.)

  5. leigh Post author

    bex – apparently, accordingly to kanye west, white people are only allowed to use black slang that is out of style for black people. he says, “i think white people are allowed to say ‘bling’. they are allowed to say old-school black slang, like ‘hottie’ and ‘homie’. actually, I do not think that (white people) are allowed to use slang until it is at least a year old. if you say a slang word too early, it’s like you’re trying to be black. so as long as the slang is a little played out, you’re all good.”

  6. Shieldmaiden1196

    My favorite comment on that site was something along the lines of “I don’t know what white people you been talking to, but ain’t nobody I know into this shit” Steve, Birmingham, Alabama.

    It does seem to be about white folks of the Prius and Starbucks set. I’m in a town that tends more toward Copenhagen and Carhartt.

  7. damon

    Shieldmaidens got a point. This blog is more about the trendy, urban, hipster doofuses. Still pretty funny though.

    Sorry to hear about your non-whitedness.
    Throw some Bee Gees on the hi-fi. That should help.

  8. Tracy

    Shoot, I may be black too. Or Hispanic. I would love to be hispanic. I think my name would be something spunky like Chacha or something. Go figure. And all this time I thought I was just a boring white woman.


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