things i learned at the passport office

my husband sells drugs.

“wow,” i’m sure you’re thinking. “i need to figure out how to have leigh hook me up.”

yeah, yeah, i should be so lucky. it’s pharmaceuticals, and not really even *good* pharmaceuticals, if you know what i’m talking about. if you need the drugs my husband is selling, you are seriously effed up and chances are you’ll be dead within six months. uplifting, i know.

but, he’s very good at selling them. he’s so good in fact, that chances are, we’ll be going to paris and italy (the european ones, not the texas ones) in april because of his sales abilities. in which case i’m going to need a passport.

so recently, i traipsed on down to the passport office. if you haven’t had the pleasure of going to the passport office, it’s a lot like going to the post office (cos it was in the back of the post office) only even more frustrating, if that’s humanly possible.

so i figured that i would share my experience with you, because i learned some valuable information, mostly due to the woman in line in front of me.

1. there is a form you can fill out online and print out before you get there. do this. 

2. bring your checkbook. the u.s. government does not take american express.

3. copies of anything do not mean shit.

4. powers of attorney do not mean shit.

5. your ignorance of the rules does not mean shit.

6. the fact that a baby cannot sign his own application does not mean shit. everyone getting a passport must be there, in person, no exceptions, regardless of whether or not they are even capable of holding a pen.

7. your unprepared ass is holding up the line and can you PLEASE move to the side so they can help someone that READ the website before they came down here and knows what the hell they are doing. NEXXXXT!!

7. smiling for your passport photo is strictly forbidden. however, looking like a deer caught in headlights is not only completely acceptable, it’s de rigueur.


dont forget to click for me. 

10 thoughts on “things i learned at the passport office

  1. Theresa

    Eew, bureaucracy, I know all about that. It is a pain in the ass, isn’t it? Even without smiling, you look great…you should see my passport photo…on second thought, maybe you shouldn’t. 🙂

  2. Bee

    You look hot! I came out looking like a zombie after it’s face was shot off or eaten off.
    I paid extra to have mine rushed over since I was going to a wedding in 4 months and I got it 2 months AFTER the wedding. Bastards!

  3. Rickey Henderson

    Isn’t bureaucracy just grand? This reminds Rickey of that Simpsons episode with Patty & Selma at the DMV where they say “some days, we don’t let the line move AT ALL… we all those days, week days!”

  4. Tracy

    I think your picture turned out really great. I’ve never had a passport but all of my drivers Id pictures are horrible! Atleast your eyes are open all the way, one isn’t half way shut, and your mouth isn’t open because you were asking the picture taker to give you a heads up before they took the picture so that you could make sure your eyes were open. I know all of these from experience. I have one where my eyes were shut and my mouth was open for that very reason.

  5. Virginia

    This reminds me of the time I went to have a driver’s license made in Biloxi Mississippi. The bureaucrat good-ole-boy behind the camera had the thickest southern accent I had ever heard. He told me, “shut your eyes”, so I did as I was told. Then he said, “Open your mouf”. So I did, still keeping my eyes tight shut–standing there feeling like an idiot with my eyes shut and mouth open. After a few seconds, it registered that what he really said was, “open them now”. My eyes flew open and my mouth snapped shut and he snapped a picture. It was a beaut.

  6. Mark

    Your shot looks great Leigh.

    I always try to make myself look as though I had been sitting in a pressurized tube, hurtling through the air at 500 mph for at least five or six hours. If you have your shot taken just after you wake up, following an evening of single malt scotch, this usually achieves the desired effect. This way I will actually look the way I do when I get off the plane.

  7. Jonah K. Haslap

    I don’t think you actually thought that was a bad photo of you. I think you just wanted everyone to tell you how good you look. Quite transparent, actually, and slightly manipulative.

    In other words, this is totally something I would do. I love it.


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