we leave for paris in six days. i’m trying to make the best of the situation, so i did some research to figure out how not to stick out like an ugly american while i’m there, and after everything i’ve learned, i’ve decided paris can blow me.
we’re gonna have some serious problems. i put everything into a nice little chart because i’m anal that way.
|sunglasses, worn 24/7. french woman don’t make eye contact. plus, colored contacts are considered a don’t.||aqua tinted contacts for light eyes to enhance what god gave me.||paris will just have to deal.|
|parisian women don’t have blond hair. long straight hair will give you away as a tourist.||bi-monthly trips to the hairdresser for root touch ups. and i never leave home without my flat iron.||yeah…tell it to bridgette bardot. jeez, freaking hypocrites.|
|no smiling. it’s considered a come on.||i didn’t get veneers for nothing.||WTF? this from the country where adultery is considered the national pastime, but smiling is a problem. i suspect this has more to do with the fact that most europeans have bad teeth.|
|no gratuitous cleavage. it’s tacky.||i never miss an opportunity to flash the girls. it’s one of the few features i come by naturally.||see above.|
|drink sweet aperitifs before dinner.||i love a good dry martini.||i may have to suck this one up and just drink wine. apparently, they charge per the ounce for cocktails.|
|white tennis shoes are a major faux pas.||the gym? what’s that?||strangely, i’m fine with this.|
|the art of the scarf. a chicly tied scarf gives a parisian woman instant style.||in texas we have scarves too. they’re called bandannas.||i just spent a couple grand getting my neck fixed. i’m not covering this bitch up.|
|carrying a knockoff designer bag is illegal.||houston has it’s own version of china town. fake pradas run rampant.||i blame this all on louis vuitton.|
|don’t laugh too loudly. it’s crass to draw too much attention to yourself.||if i didn’t laugh everyday, i’d spend most of it crying.||ummmm….you do read my blog, don’t you?|
|love to drink coffee.||love to drink coffee.||this could be a win/win situation. unfortunately, i hear it’s impossible to get it “to go.”|
|leather pants are inexplicably appropriate grocery store attire.||live in shorts and flip flops, practically year round.||since it’s still cold in paris in april, i’m willing to concede the shorts. dudes in black leather pants? i can’t wait.|
|everyone owns little dogs and they take them everywhere.||my house is pet free. not even a fish.||dog-lovers, bah. you don’t fool me for a minute. this is code for “there will be dog shit everywhere.”|
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