i’m not french, i just kiss that way

we leave for paris in six days. i’m trying to make the best of the situation, so i did some research to figure out how not to stick out like an ugly american while i’m there, and after everything i’ve learned, i’ve decided paris can blow me.

we’re gonna have some serious problems. i put everything into a nice little chart because i’m anal that way.

the french


my observations

sunglasses, worn 24/7. french woman don’t make eye contact. plus, colored contacts are considered a don’t. aqua tinted contacts for light eyes to enhance what god gave me. paris will just have to deal.
parisian women don’t have blond hair. long straight hair will give you away as a tourist. bi-monthly trips to the hairdresser for root touch ups. and i never leave home without my flat iron. yeah…tell it to bridgette bardot. jeez, freaking hypocrites.
no smiling. it’s considered a come on. i didn’t get veneers for nothing. WTF? this from the country where adultery is considered the national pastime, but smiling is a problem. i suspect this has more to do with the fact that most europeans have bad teeth.
no gratuitous cleavage. it’s tacky. i never miss an opportunity to flash the girls. it’s one of the few features i come by naturally. see above.
drink sweet aperitifs before dinner. i love a good dry martini. i may have to suck this one up and just drink wine. apparently, they charge per the ounce for cocktails.
white tennis shoes are a major faux pas. the gym? what’s that? strangely, i’m fine with this.
the art of the scarf. a chicly tied scarf gives a parisian woman instant style. in texas we have scarves too. they’re called bandannas. i just spent a couple grand getting my neck fixed. i’m not covering this bitch up.
carrying a knockoff designer bag is illegal. houston has it’s own version of china town. fake pradas run rampant. i blame this all on louis vuitton.
don’t laugh too loudly. it’s crass to draw too much attention to yourself. if i didn’t laugh everyday, i’d spend most of it crying. ummmm….you do read my blog, don’t you?
love to drink coffee. love to drink coffee. this could be a win/win situation. unfortunately, i hear it’s impossible to get it “to go.”
leather pants are inexplicably appropriate grocery store attire. live in shorts and flip flops, practically year round. since it’s still cold in paris in april, i’m willing to concede the shorts. dudes in black leather pants? i can’t wait.
everyone owns little dogs and they take them everywhere. my house is pet free. not even a fish. dog-lovers, bah. you don’t fool me for a minute. this is code for “there will be dog shit everywhere.”

you wont step in anything over at Humor-Blogs.com

15 thoughts on “i’m not french, i just kiss that way

  1. Alice

    My English mother raised me to snort at the French so I’m cool with your chart. I’ll admit you had me intrigued with the “dudes in black leather pants” though. ; ) Have fun!

  2. the frogster

    Looks like you’ll be all right.

    Any cup of coffee is to go if you can run fast enough without spilling it.

    And furry things that weigh less than 25 lbs. are not dogs, they are rodents.

    Have fun.

  3. Bex

    Do you skate? On Friday nights there are thousands of people who get on their roller blades and go rolling through Paris. I’ve never joined them but it looks fun. The funny thing is that the cops accept this and stop all of the traffic and nobody gets their knickers in a twist about it. Can you imagine that flying in the USA???

    OH! No matter what happens, PROMISE me that you won’t order anything that translates to the generic term of”meat”. If it says, steak, beef, chicken you’re probably fine. But when it just says meat that usually means that you’re getting the tripe and tongue of something. Blech.

    Also, I generally hate museums but I loved the Musee D’Orsay. OK. I’m going to quit living vicariously through you. Maybe.

    Must. Fight. Urge. To. Tell. All. That. I’d. Do. If. I. Were. You.

    Have a great time!!! Happily I’ll be out of town too so I won’t be compulsively checking your blog for updates.

  4. damon

    Good to see you’re doing your homework. One thing missing though. Will you be growing out your armpit hairs for the trip? 😉

  5. leigh Post author

    bex – if there’s anything else you can tell me to prevent any catastrophe (such as the partaking of mystery meat) i’m all ears. i don’t know if i’ll be able to blog while i’m gone. wah! i may have withdrawal.

    damon – i stopped shaving last week. but not for the trip. just because i’m lazy.

  6. Daniel

    Paris is great (and I am most assuredly not French so this is not planted propaganda).

    Laugh all you want, just not too loudly – actually nothing too loudly. Smile all you want, just not at strangers passing on the street.

    Sadly too many Americans think that white nike’s are appropriate footwear everywhere they travel. It is like a neon “USA” sign in fashion-conscious Paris.

    The French, like lots of countries, tax the hell out of imported hard liquor. So enjoy some nice French sweet or dry wine while you are there or take with you the martini fixin’s from duty free.

    Absolutely go see the Mona Lisa at the Louvre if you haven’t before and walk back and forth to observe her eyes follow you. Go up in the Eiffel Tower for the view, visit the painters at Montmartre. Here’s my secret for success – always take the tour up in the dome of every cathedral – the construction is interesting but the views are spectacular. You can usually go outside at the roof and also see the chapels from ceiling level. And the Sainte-Chapelle in the Justice Ministry is amazing. The light through the stained glass windows on a sunny day is beyond description – it is not far from Notre Dame. If you time allows, go to Versailles – hopefully on a day when the fountains are running. And I completely agree with the other person about Musee d’Orsay.

    And if you don’t speak French, take your translation book with you everywhere and try to communicate in French. Even the most hardened Parisan will b e swayed if you just try and then they will speak English with you.

    Enjoy – Paris is wonderful and beautiful.

  7. leigh Post author

    daniel – thanks for all the info. we have already planned to do the typical sight-seeing stuff including versailles. all kidding aside, i’m really looking forward to the trip and everything paris has to offer, including the food. i’m even bringing my fat pants.

  8. Theresa

    Oooh Paris, I love Paris. Not Paris Hilton, let’s just make that clear, but Paris, France. It’s an incredible place with lots to see, and you will have fun even if the Parisians look down their noses at you being different. Even if you were to do everything in the first column, they would still know you’re not French. You could copy everything they do and they would still know. They have some sort of an intrinsic foreigner detection ability. But they are friendlier than they were a few years ago and now they treat tourists pretty well.

  9. leigh Post author

    theresa – one of my good friends travels to paris frequently. she told me the same thing. i’m not your typical american though. i do have SOME class. heh. she said they’d probably think i’m german, which i actually am.

  10. VE

    Really, no clevage in France because they have bad teeth? Last time I was in Paris, my taxi driver actually drove on the sidewalk to avoid traffic. That’s right…with fleeting pedestrans scrambling for their life…

  11. leigh Post author

    froggie – youparklikeanasshole is awesome. my appreciation stems from the fact that i work for a high tech company where everyone who has an expensive car thinks they deserve two spaces. our building management sends out daily emails of offending license-plated cars that are about to be towed. it’s sweet. they don’t eff around.

  12. Tracy

    Shoot, Damon stole my comment about the armpit hairs. I wonder if they shave their legs though?
    I do hope that you’ll snap a couple of pictures of those men in leather pants. I would love to see them!


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