no, i’m not talking about the classic 1970s woman’s lib book by erica jong, which coined the term, “zipless eff.” i’m talking about the terror-inducing, debilitating, completely irrational, white-knuckle fear i experience every time i have to get on a plane.
generally, i avoid all instances where i would have to fly. for example, over xmas break we DROVE from houston to orlando – in one day.
being that there’s no way to drive to paris, i’m pretty much screwed. so i have basically two options. be a complete basket case for about 10 hours. or, self medicate to the point of unconsciousness. i’m going to choose the latter.
when i was younger, i always used to throw down some drinks in the airport bar before boarding and passing out on the plane. but that would always leave me feeling very dehydrated and hung over. then a few years ago, i was complaining about flying to a doctor friend of mine.
“oh, no, no, no.” he said. “come see me and i will give you something that will change your life.” he prescribed me xanax.
hooray for highly additive, narcotic, prescription drugs! i call them my happy flying pills, and they are awesome. there’s a reason why celebs have to go to rehab for abusing them and it’s because they are too much of a good thing.
so anyway, i have my small stash which i’m taking for the trip. our flight leaves in a few hours. i’ll take a few right as we board and while everyone is settling in, i’ll start silently repeating my calming, peaceful mantra: the pilot wants to live too…the pilot wants to live too.
i should be asleep before we leave the ground.
see you on the other side.
Have a great trip! FYI – I take “happy pills” for flying too and there’s nothing like having your son (two rows up from you) yell back, “Hey Mom – did you take your happy pill?”
which is worse, airline passengers that snore or drool?
My solution is, iPod at full blast and a book. I can never get passed one page but trying to read is what keeps my brain occupied.
Good luck and have fun!
There’s nothing wrong with taking the happy pills. I’m a big fan of them in these instances.
Have a great trip and don’t forget to take some pics of men in leather pants! I can’t wait!
Ah, yes…happy pills. I’m more of an Ambien gal myself. Bon voyage!
All is well and all is well and all will be well. Have a (real) baguette for me.
As a seasoned self-medicated flyer, let me give you the only tip you’ll ever need:
Don’t listen to anyone: mixing xanax and alcohol rocks. Here is the drill: on the way to the airport, wine out of a water bottle. At the airport, finish wine before security, take one xanax. Waiting for your flight to board, another 1/4 to 1/2 xanax. By the time you take off you will be hoping the flight gets more bumpy because This Is So Fun!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM GOING TO SEE MY DAUGHTER IN WASHINGTON STATE NEXT MONTH. I LIVE IN TEXAS. OVER A 4 HOUR FLIGHT! I ALREADY SUFFER FROM SEVERE ANIXETY AND HAVE TO TAKE XANAX DAILY TO BE ABLE TO GO TO THE STORE, WORK AND SO ON. I TAKE A 0.5 EVERY MORNING AND ALL I FEEL IS WHAT YOU ALL WOULD CALL NORMAL. SO TAKING A XANAX IS NOT GOING TO GET ME ON THE PLANE. I AM NOT SURE IF I SHOULD TAKE MORE OR JUST TALK TO THE DOC. I WOULD HATE TO BE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO FREAK OUT ON THE PLANE AND MAKE A FOOL OUT OF THEMSELVES!! HAHA