last weekend the hubs and i ended up going out with my friend (the mean girl) and her husband, without candy and her husband (who i had called but had completely blown me off).
mean girl all grow up (MGAGU):soooo….have you talked to candy?
me: well, she said she would call me, but she flaked.
MGAGU: well, that’s too bad. i am sooo glad that we could get together. we like you guys sooo much. and well, candy’s been acting really weird lately. DON’T tell her i told you but there’s something going on with her and her husband and it NOT good.
me: (reminding myself never, ever to confide anything to her) what do you mean?
MGAGU: don’t say that i told you, but she found CONDOMS in her husband’s car!!!
me:WTF??!! so what did she do? did she confront him? what did he say?
mgagu: he said he was HOLDING them for a friend of his who was having marital problems.
me: that is the biggest load of crap i have ever heard. just how stupid does he think she is?!
mgagu:obviousy, pretty stupid. what would you say to your hubs if you found condoms in his car?
me: you mean before or after he regained consciousness?
anyway, this got me thinking, what kind of lame excuses would a married man who’s had a vasectomy have for having condoms in his car? hmmm….let’s see.
- silly me! i thought these were water balloons!
- they’re not mine!!! what have YOU been doing?
- there were a bunch of planned parenthood demonstrators handing them at the corner.
- you can make a really cool stress ball with flour.
- i’m going to make balloon animals for the kids.
- i keep them in my first aid kit to use as tourniquets.
- the guys at work think it’s hilarious when i put them on my head and blow them up with my nose.
- they were giving them away free at the liquor store with the purchase of any 12 pack.
- honey, i’m going to be completely honest. i’m part of a heroin smuggling ring.
- i’m going to use it as a penis protector while i’m nairing my junk. all for you sweetie.
ok, all kidding aside, i’m asking you guys out there. seriously….what possible excuse could there be for your wife/significant other finding condoms in your car, beside the fact that you are a giant douche who is getting some strange?
he’s a clean freak and puts one on his finger before he touches the buttons on drive-up ATM’s??
(that’s all I could come up with, but I’m not a guy)
Also, in the bajillion degree heat, the car is NOT the place to keep them.
She may want to sit him down with the firm I’d use to get the truth out of him, Messrs. Smith and Wesson.
I keep female condoms on my car so that I can fill them with motor oil and hurl them at other drivers on the highway.
It’s tons of fun.
Holy crap!!! I’m still laughing about Nair protection for his junk!!
Wheeeeww!! I needed that!
Now my stomach hurts and I have to pull my cheekbones out of my eye sockets.
I gotta check back, I can’t think right.
OMG. That is hilarious. I think I would have to go “Lorena Bobbitt” on him, but with one major difference – I own and know how to operate a CuisinAet. Nuff said.
I LOVE what you did for Damon!!!!! Would you…could you…give me a Bexy one???
What a putz. This guy is clearly doing it all wrong. The solution is clear: make the woman you’re intent on not impregnating use a sponge. Or just jerk off in the public library like all the other unsatisfied married men out there.
Honestly, perhaps its not all that big a deal. Now if your friend had found a wiffle ball bat, dog collar, and economy size ice pack in her husband’s car, that would’ve been troubling.
Old girlfriend of mine was in the same situation, with a worse out come. She found out her husband was having sex with men on the side!
Wow! A stressball out of condoms and flour?! My kids will love that!
daniel – perhaps but not likely.
wendy – excellent answer!
maiden – yeah, sort of kills the effectiveness.
dan – another good answer!
damon – just repaying the favor.
bex – thank you! it was fun. just tell me what you want, what you really, rally want!
rickey – interesting advice from a man who’s about to tie the knot.
bill – thanks for stopping by and for sharing!!! we love true stories here. they’re generally the most amusing.
tiffany – make sure to use the colored ones.
Yeah well in case you couldn’t tell, Rickey was sarcastically kidding around Leigh… Infidelity is a serious matter. As is seat belt safety.
rickey – you? kid? i’m shocked.
I’m Condo-the Clown and their part of my costume. Want to hire me for your birthday party?
I’m voting for the giant douche. There really is no valid reason, and even if there is an excuse, there really isn’t… He’s baked. 😉
How about “Honey i just didn’t want you to find out i was cheating from your OBGYN”
b/c seriously–according to my lady dr–it happens that way A LOT.
Alright I’m back.
There is no excuse. He’s screwed.
I’d love to get all witty on ya here with some snide remark, but he IS a douche. Someone should e-mail him this post (accidentally!)
nair on his junk… here i go again..
Yeah, what a ‘bum’. Lame excuse #2 sounds pretty good to me. The only other reason a guy might keep a box in his car is to just ‘plug a hole.’
heyjoe – only if you make balloon animals while blowing them up on your head with your nose.
ud – sadly, i actually liked him.
hanni – at least she has that (him wearing protection) going for her.
damon – actually, if my friends knew about my blog i wouldn’t get to write about them anymore. and feel free to get witty anytime.
don – yeah, the one’s who are the most nontrusting are usually the ones who are effing around in the first place!
He clearly just wants to get his wife’s attention. Now she has to be nice to him.
“they came with the car. BOY those Volvo folks care about safety!”
“Clay Aiken just joined our carpool.”
I got nothing. Hell,if I can’t think of an excuse with TIME ON MY SIDE, then I would be dead meat if it was to happen for real!
How about: “I think they are additional memory chips for the GPS”
Nah, but he is a dog.
I told my hubs that if he ever wants out to tell me because then he’ll get to leave with his life. If he cheats on me, he’ll sipping tea with Satan while I plead insanity. ;o)
my excuse, honestly, would be that i put them over the muzzle of my firearms to keep the dust out. “honey, these were issued to me by the military. you actually bought them…with your tax dollars!”
or, i’d say i bought a bunch for a highschool kid from the neighborhood b/c he was too embarrassed. i’m like mr. rogers. best neighbor ever. but without the sweater.
Just a douche getting some strange. Wait, let me rephrase that: a “dumb-ass douche, getting some strange”
men have a weird obsession with condoms I think that starts at childhood. When they are young they put them in there wallet to look cool, when they are old they put them in there car to feel young. Just my .02 cents. You are fucking hilarious and I added you to my roll. Can’t wait to read tomorrows.