last weekend the hubs and i ended up going out with my friend (the mean girl) and her husband, without candy and her husband (who i had called but had completely blown me off).
mean girl all grow up (MGAGU):soooo….have you talked to candy?
me: well, she said she would call me, but she flaked.
MGAGU: well, that’s too bad. i am sooo glad that we could get together. we like you guys sooo much. and well, candy’s been acting really weird lately. DON’T tell her i told you but there’s something going on with her and her husband and it NOT good.
me: (reminding myself never, ever to confide anything to her) what do you mean?
MGAGU: don’t say that i told you, but she found CONDOMS in her husband’s car!!!
me:WTF??!! so what did she do? did she confront him? what did he say?
mgagu: he said he was HOLDING them for a friend of his who was having marital problems.
me: that is the biggest load of crap i have ever heard. just how stupid does he think she is?!
mgagu:obviousy, pretty stupid. what would you say to your hubs if you found condoms in his car?
me: you mean before or after he regained consciousness?
anyway, this got me thinking, what kind of lame excuses would a married man who’s had a vasectomy have for having condoms in his car? hmmm….let’s see.
- silly me! i thought these were water balloons!
- they’re not mine!!! what have YOU been doing?
- there were a bunch of planned parenthood demonstrators handing them at the corner.
- you can make a really cool stress ball with flour.
- i’m going to make balloon animals for the kids.
- i keep them in my first aid kit to use as tourniquets.
- the guys at work think it’s hilarious when i put them on my head and blow them up with my nose.
- they were giving them away free at the liquor store with the purchase of any 12 pack.
- honey, i’m going to be completely honest. i’m part of a heroin smuggling ring.
- i’m going to use it as a penis protector while i’m nairing my junk. all for you sweetie.
ok, all kidding aside, i’m asking you guys out there. seriously….what possible excuse could there be for your wife/significant other finding condoms in your car, beside the fact that you are a giant douche who is getting some strange?