how i (really) spent my summer vacation

you know how when someone you know gets back from vacation and tells you how great it was, and how relaxing it was, and blah, blah, blah?

lies…all lies. here, dear readers, is how most vacations really go down.

the fantasy: plan relaxing vacation away from kids.                      
the reality: realize that as tempting as it may be to leave an 11- and an 7-year-old home alone, this is ill advised, and the last couple from houston that did this had the po-po welcome wagon at the airport waiting for them when they deplaned. instead, bribe grandparents with offer of free accommodations in exchange for babysitting duties.

the fantasy: first day of trip plan on hitting the pool for an hour or so and then getting cleaned up and going out for a nice dinner.
the reality: start drinking in airport bar at 9am and continue on plane to calm “flying nerves.” hit pool by noon and immediately belly up to the swim-up bar. after having a few drinks and becoming best friends with the couple vacationing from jersey, decide getting cleaned up is a big hassle and allow kids to order $10 hamburgers from pool bar menu. miss dinner completely. after sobering up the next day, determine eating at the hotel is way too expensive. for the remainder of the trip drag family to local eating establishments with kid’s menus containing colors not found in nature and the zoomorphic depiction of breakfast entrees, exacerbating involuntary gag reflex already in effect from tequila hangover.

kids menu.jpg
(click on menu to enlarge)

short people with you appear to not be effected. 

crabby pancakes.jpg

the fantasy: pace self to get “healthy” tan.
the reality:forget to apply sunscreen due to first-day-partying inebriated state and pass out in deck chair. spend first night watching the matrix, the matrix reloaded, the matrix revolutions, and starship troopers on mexican tv due to inability to sleep because of sunbun. waste next two days hiding under umbrella.            

the fantasy: come  back from vacation rested and ready to work.
reality: take late flight home to “take advantage of” final day at beach. pop two xanax on flight home, rendering self useless for assisting with herding children though airport and carrying luggage to car. sleep on drive home, waking up long enough to crawl into bed. wake up in a fog at dark thirty and drive to work with xanax hangover. spend useless day in office with door shut researching all-inclusive resorts for xmas vacation on internet.

oh, and because i’ve deluded myself into thinking that some of you are actually interested about me as a person, i’ve made a little slide show of my vacation photos. enjoy! 


Find Funny Blogs at

12 thoughts on “how i (really) spent my summer vacation

  1. damon

    That looks like an incredible vacation! (even if you make fun of it) I also LOVE the swim up bar. Warning though, if you see me at the swim-up bar, I’m lazy, I’m on vacation, and I’m not gettin up to pee.

    You ARE deluded. 😉

  2. Bex

    You know, a couple of years ago we had a wild hair and decided to go to an all-inclusive resort on the island or Curacao (near Aruba). They had a kid camp that our kids LOVED. It was open from 9am -9pm and our plan was to hang out with the kids in the morning and then check them in the afternoon for a little volleyball on the beach, getting drunk at the swim-up bar, etc. Our kids loved the camp SO much that every morning they would BEG to go as soon as it opened and then stay there til it closed. I even (really) tried to talk them out of it. And after about 14 seconds of that I thought, “What am I, nuts? Who am I to deny them such a small pleasure…” They spent, on average, 10 hours a day there. Every day. It was DA BOMB.

    We’d drop them off around 9:30, and hubs would ask, “Should we get coffee or mimosa’s?” That’s not even a REAL question. After the mimosa’s, pina coladas. and then we would just slide into the afternoon, take a nap pick the kids up for a snack (and a drink, of course, cuz it had been like 45 minutes since our last one). Seriously, this vacation seemed more like a honeymoon than our actual honeymoon (we were poor, went on a cruise with the shitty cabin, etc.).

    Someone recently told me about a tour group that takes you to a cool country where you scuba dive. There is a scuba school/camp for the kids and then a separate school for the adults. That sounds pretty cool. Except for the stupid sharks. I just KNOW that I’m going to get bitten by a shark. That’s why I scream whenever seaweed hits my foot.

    Anyway, LOVED your pictures. It looks like you guys had a ton of fun and the krabby pancakes shot was successful in making me want some flap jacks.

    So. Are you guys gonna get smacked with this hurricane or what??? (Is it me or am I a bit chatty tonight??)

  3. Jinksy

    I feel for you. We spent the first week of August on a cruise to Jamaica and Cayman Islands. Needed to take 6 days off after to recover from our vacation.

    Go figure.

  4. leigh Post author

    joeybear – the honeymoon’s over.

    damon – somehow, i already knew that about you.

    bex – damn girl. you are chatty tonight! your comment is about the length of one of my regular posts. i don’t know what’s happening with the hurricane. we’re heading out tomorrow to san antonio. if anything comes this way, we certainly won’t be here.

    jinksy – i hear you. i need a vacation from my vacation.

  5. Jeff

    I don’t care how you spin it… you were in Cancun and I wasn’t!

    Fantasy: Jeff is vacationing in Cancun
    Reality: Jeff is not vacationing Cancun

  6. Don

    Glad to have you back. It’s been lonely out here. Now you can relax and read about all the stupid things that happened while you were eating from menus that look like they offer what you’d get if you crossed food from a Huddle House, Chuck E. Cheese and communion service.

  7. leigh

    sandy – my parents dragged us everywhere when we were little. getting culture, they called it. i figure i owe it to my little ones.

    don – what’s huddle house?

    muskrat – solo? what’s that?

  8. Mojo

    Ya know… I was never sure if that graphic in your header was really you or not. You really are that… uh… umm… well… hot. *blush*


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s