you know how when someone you know gets back from vacation and tells you how great it was, and how relaxing it was, and blah, blah, blah?
lies…all lies. here, dear readers, is how most vacations really go down.
the fantasy: plan relaxing vacation away from kids.
the reality: realize that as tempting as it may be to leave an 11- and an 7-year-old home alone, this is ill advised, and the last couple from houston that did this had the po-po welcome wagon at the airport waiting for them when they deplaned. instead, bribe grandparents with offer of free accommodations in exchange for babysitting duties.
the fantasy: first day of trip plan on hitting the pool for an hour or so and then getting cleaned up and going out for a nice dinner.
the reality: start drinking in airport bar at 9am and continue on plane to calm “flying nerves.” hit pool by noon and immediately belly up to the swim-up bar. after having a few drinks and becoming best friends with the couple vacationing from jersey, decide getting cleaned up is a big hassle and allow kids to order $10 hamburgers from pool bar menu. miss dinner completely. after sobering up the next day, determine eating at the hotel is way too expensive. for the remainder of the trip drag family to local eating establishments with kid’s menus containing colors not found in nature and the zoomorphic depiction of breakfast entrees, exacerbating involuntary gag reflex already in effect from tequila hangover.
short people with you appear to not be effected.
the fantasy: pace self to get “healthy” tan.
the reality:forget to apply sunscreen due to first-day-partying inebriated state and pass out in deck chair. spend first night watching the matrix, the matrix reloaded, the matrix revolutions, and starship troopers on mexican tv due to inability to sleep because of sunbun. waste next two days hiding under umbrella.
the fantasy: come back from vacation rested and ready to work.
reality: take late flight home to “take advantage of” final day at beach. pop two xanax on flight home, rendering self useless for assisting with herding children though airport and carrying luggage to car. sleep on drive home, waking up long enough to crawl into bed. wake up in a fog at dark thirty and drive to work with xanax hangover. spend useless day in office with door shut researching all-inclusive resorts for xmas vacation on internet.
oh, and because i’ve deluded myself into thinking that some of you are actually interested about me as a person, i’ve made a little slide show of my vacation photos. enjoy!