so this weekend i was shopping at the mall with my teenage daughter and we’re in abercrombie & fitch.  personally, i love shopping at A&F…because i can.  yes, it’s cheap crap, but it makes me feel young and skinny. so there.

oh yeah, there’s always some nice boy-eye-candy working behind the counter. i guess this is the female equivalent of the pervy guy oogling hot asian chicks at the chinese takout place.

anyway, we’re waiting in line to be checked out by a pair of barely legal adonis’s running the registers.

1st him: are you ready to check out, ma’am?
me: yeah, sure.
1st him: would you like to get fierce?
me: (crickets)….uhhh, excuse me?
1st him: would you like to get fierce?
2nd him: that’s our new fragrance… would you like some?
me: …… oh, i’d like “some” … but i’m fierce enough already. thanks for asking though.
1st him and 2nd him: (nervous laughter)

it’s not nice to tease the cougar.

so we’re into hanukkah full swing and xmas is just around the corner. we’ve been giving gifts to the kids all week but last night the hubs and i exchanged gifts with each other.

we’ve been married for almost 15 years and at this point we’re keenly tuned in to each other’s *ahem* weaknesses, which we sometimes cater to.

for example, the hubs has a weakness for all things vegas, “swingers”, and classic cocktails, which is why we have a dedicated lounge in the back of our house complete with a real bar, atomic 50s furniture, and rat pack pictures lining the walls. 

and me? well, i love to pamper myself and surround myself with beautiful things.

so, of course i bought him this:

a swanky new michael graves ice bucket and some nice heavy high ball glasses to drink out of.

and he got me these:

and a huge poster of this:

which i will be using to “pamper” myself with later…alone…with my candles.

happy hannukah and merry xmas to everyone!

dear jason,

hey! long time no talk. i’m sorry, i haven’t been avoiding you…i’ve just been really busy.

what have you been up to? i haven’t seen much of your naked torso lately.

guess you’re just in a slump what with guy richie going off and making a film with that former has-been robert downey junior. and jude law? please. i think you totally would have made an excellent watson.

anywoo…we need to talk.

look, we’ve always had an open relationship. i’ve turned a blind eye to your indiscretions, like when you ran off with that flat-chested, george clooney-castoff skank. but we’ve always come back to each other, just like pam and tommy… so i know you’ll understand.

it’s just…i’ve met someone new.

now, i didn’t plan this. it was all completely innocent.

i took my daughter to the movies to see that new teen bloodsucker movie and suddenly…  there he was… no, not edward. i hate skinny pasty guys. no, the other one. that yummy boy/wolf person, taylor lautner…sigh.

now, jason, i know you’re thinking, “leigh, WTF?!!! that’s a 16 year old kid!”  well, yes and no.

here’s how i see it. he’s half boy/ half wolf. and a wolf is almost like a dog. and 1 human year is actually 7 dog years so, theoretically he’s 112. 

so in reality, i’m having no moral dilemma with this.

what i’m trying to say is think we should stop seeing each other. at least for a little while. so please don’t cry. this is already difficult enough. and when you’re ready, i’d still like to be friends.

your friend (with benefits),
leigh

it was so nice to see my visitor counter shoot up the other day. guess writing a post every now and then will do that for you. so here we are. just you and me. let’s talk.

some of you may have discovered my little site for this first time. and maybe you’re thinking, “you know, leighonline might just be my kind of blog.”

sweet! i would love nothing better. but before we go any further, like in all good relationships, there’s a few things you should know about me. 

i’m a mixed bag. i write about all kinds of crazy nonsense…like telecommuting in my underpants, using my rack to get a job, my undying lust for jason statham, and oogling hot construction workers at the gas station… it’s mostly all about me. and i get all types here. 

i’d love to get to know you better, but it would be unfair to not let you know just what direction this blog can go in. 

so just to gently ease you in, here’s some recent topics that have led googlers to my blog in search of answers. read at your own risk. the safe word is banana.

• gratuitous displays of cleavage – it’s in there.
• online with sexy mom – oh, yeah.
• wild babe blog - me again.
• fantasy football babe- omg. totally me.
• milf bully -  haters.
• can i get bedspreads like the ones on brady bunch? – uh sure, but let’s get back to me.
• just show us your boob photos – sorry, first you have to read some of my posts.
• call girl in leigh – all right, THAT’S enough.
• how to fix a female mullet - sorry, you’re on your own.
• things that make you say WTF – all freaking day long.
• things that make you say “oh shit!” – mostly at work.
• reverse cleavage – WTF? see, i told you.
• drugs to make ass big – guilty…if margaritas are considered a drug.
• why would husband have condoms in his car?- because he’s  USING them, dumbass!
• is your husband an asshole he won’t eat supper – first check to see if there’s condoms in the car.
• am i hott im bald? – if you have to ask, probably not.
• jason statham hot bald; why are bald men so hot?; bald men is it hot or not?- ok, at first it was cute, but this bald insecurity thing is getting on my last nerve. BALD is hot. out of shape, flabby, and bald is not. next!
• yul brenner makes me drool - a bib is in order.
• white well hung amateurs ex-boyfriends – i totally wish i could take credit for this, but it wasn’t me.
• what’s worth doing is worth doing for money – who are you people?
• flip-flops intervention – problem? i don’t have a problem.
• “barry manilow” gay?- i would totally answer this but i’m over the backlash from last time. (BTW, he TOTALLY is, so get over it!)
• how can i find out if my daughter is a stripper? - have you checked her nails?
• does jamie lee curtis have a penis? if she does, i have no idea where she’s hiding it.
• rickey henderson’s penis- rickey’s penis is decidedly not here.
• they’ve made stewie completely gay – no, he was born that way.
• videos on fat men without sweater - so much worse than with a sweater.
• i don’t want to work, i want to bang – yes.
• i don’t wanna work- (from paris france) – we know this. the world knows this.
• parent directory friends naked - the PTO would sell a lot more of these.
• you ponr- to my indonesian friends, if you can’t spell it, you don’t really deserve to find it.
• staked naked anthill – go the f*ck away.
• boo barry homosexual- actually, my money’s on franken berry. the dude is pink.
• homemade jerkoff machines- i’m not sure what combination of comments left by you faithful readers produced this hit, but thanks…thanks a bunch.

don’t say i didn’t warn you. and remember, i won’t be offended if you just want to be friends.

damn, i’m rusty…and in more ways than one.

those of you who have read my blog know that i live a nostalgia filled existence fueled by a love of all things retro and a penchant for classic cocktails.

some people do drugs, or smoke crack to escape.

me? i pick a theme night, watch videos on YouTube and throw  back a few well-coordinated adult beverages.

so last saturday night i was feeling kinda 70s - and i decided i just hadn’t heard enough bee gees lately and i really should be dancing.

so i googled up a few disco classics and mixed up the quintessential 70s cocktail – the seagrams 7&7.  i was making myself some tall doubles because…well because that’s how tony manero would have wanted it.

after throwing back a few, i was minding my own business, walking down our shag-carpeted stairs (i know it’s called frise now, but we all know it’s just SHAG redux) and suddenly i realized i was no longer walking. no. i was now sitting and not exactly by choice… and an excrutiating pain was emanating from my ass.

so it appears i have broken my ass and not in a “yippee! we’re going burro riding down the canyon!” kind of way.

no, it appears i have broken my ass in a ”holy mother effer,  i have managed to crack up my ass so bad it’s blue and purple and i’m limping around like grandma after she got a new hip” kind of way.

now i’m 4 days into my injury with no light at the end of the pain tunnel. however, i’ve got bigger issues ahead. the hub’s fraternity reunion is this weekend and i need to bring my A partying game.  the hubs is really excited for me to meet his great buds from school with whom he’s formed permanent bonds over masculine rituals like naked kidnapping and the infamous double inverted moon (don’t ask). the brother i’m looking most forward to meeting? ricky nelson AKA “garden party.”

which brings us to this saturday. in celebration of the fraternal festivities, this weekend’s theme is all about the 80s. i’ll be rockin’ a little whitesnake, and the drink of choice? chivas on the rocks. i just may forget about the pain.

since the recent influx of adult users to facebook, it has evolved from a way for school aged kids to dis and make fun of each other into a way for the rest of us to…well, dis and make fun of each other as well.

except in our case it’s not called cyber bullying, it’s called “reminiscing,” or posting your “old school” photos. but really it should be called, “how my fraternity brother still managed to eff my ass over 20 years later.”

case in point:

seriously, nothing says cool like kicking back spread eagle in your camoflauge parachute pants with a cold one on the dag nasty, scratchy, brady bunch, got-knows-what’s-been-*ahem*-spilled on it frathouse couch, and why the hell is the right end of the yellow couch brown?

**shudder**

plus you clash.

now, don’t get me wrong, i’ve liked me some fratboy on occasion, but with those pants this guy would have never been able to even get near me.

which is really odd because….i KNOW this person. and by KNOW i mean, i KNOW this person in the biblical sense, because this is actually the future mr. leighonline. although he probably wouldn’t have been if i had seen these pants first.

they say clothes make the man. thank god for brooks brothers.

master po: close your eyes. what do you hear?
young kwai: i hear the water, i hear the birds.
po: do you hear your own heartbeat?
kwai: no.
po:   ….oops.

                                                    *******

dear david,

frankly, i’m a little embarrassed for you. and not just because you are decidedly not chinese.

we all know thailand is the destination for those who may have slight proclivities for the *ahem* unusual, but being found naked in a hotel room with a rope around your neck AND your junk isn’t just a little sad, it also a lot creepy. 

nothing like pulling a michael hutchence and offing yourself on accident and now your family is left to clean up all your freaky deaky dirty laundry.

plus your most famous contribution will be you’ve brought new meaning to the term “well hung.”

RIP, grasshopper.

i know i’ve told you about my new job,  but what i may have failed to mention is that i am totally down with all the sistas at work.

i feel like that alicia silverstone character in the movie beauty shop. only there’s no hot black dude with a bad case of reverse jungle fever for yours truly. damnit.

there are definately some cultural differences, but i will say this – i think they have totally embraced me. no seriously! not to brag or anything, but i can usually fit in anywhere.

just ask all my new best friends – Genetha, Krystyna, LaDawntay, LaTanya, LaTrease, Luwanda, Marilyon, Melynda, Monesha, Shawnda, Tanisha, Tawnya, Tomeka, Tracia, Velbeth (otherwise known as Velvet), and of course my girl Tresondria*.

holla, ya’ll!

(*all these names are real and taken straight off the employee phone list. no names have been changed to protect my innocence. hope nobody there ever googles themselves or i’ll probably get my skinny white ass kicked.)

so i’m lurking around on facebook because i have no real life, and i come across this oddly out of place photo in bex’s stuff.

so i’m thinking ”oopsie!! bexie you sly sexy bitch. apparently you have mistakenly uploaded some “for-don’s-eyes-only” naughty secretary role-play photos of yourself!”

and then i thought, “wow. don is really a freaky dude. he likes long skirts, and high neck blouses, and apparently he likes you to dress up like an asian chick…and…awww, FOR THE LOVE OF…bex is taking some professional photos for linkedin!!

uhhhhh, rebecca…come over here and let’s sit down and have a little talk.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? did you slip on a wet spot by the pool and fall and crack your head?

your life is so demanding and full of difficult decisions that have to be made every single freaking day. like, pool, beach, lunch, nap? or beach, pool, nap, lunch? or nap, lunch, beach, pool?

damnnit woman. why would you want to go and complicate things with a job? plus you have don running around, mixing up cocktails at your beck and call, while i plod around at my new little insurance job going through internet withdrawals.

seriously, you have issues. i certainly wouldn’t be working if i didn’t have to, but the cosmetic *ahem* enhancement fund was running a little low so i had to do something.

anyway, if you’re trying to get a job, you’re doing it all wrong. take if from someone who’s had to scratch and claw to keep one step ahead of the hot 20-somethings who are breathing down my neck.

THIS is how to dress for an interview.

geez, haven’t i taught you ANYTHING!? yah, you’re welcome.

in other news, next weekend we’re off to what’s left of galveston.

please forgive me father. it’s been 3 months since my last blog post. i’ve just been a little busy feeling sorry for myself and shopping at walmart in my PJs, and i had sort of left leighonline on the back burner.  plus when you’re having a personal pity party, it’s kind of hard to be funny.

then i got an email from my awesome blog admin ckelly that i owed him $150. thanks chris, for giving me just the push i needed.

anyway, so the good news is i got a job. i figured any job was better than just sitting at home, so i took it. the place is…how do i put this nicely?…pretty ghetto. so i fit in quite nicely, thank you. my girl, tresondria, and i chat about work stuff and where we get our nails done, and who’s weave is fly and she totally digs my highlights, and how we’re both really bummed that the bennigan’s next door went out of business.

the bad news is, apparently they have had some bad apples who have abused the internet privileges and everything is monitored at work. i haven’t tried to access my blog from work, but i’m afraid if i do, then they will catch it and block it.

so, i haven’t been blogging. i guess i could blog when i get home, but, well, that’s kind of my time. not that i don’t love you guys…if anyone is still out there.

they are also super-asses about personal phone use and i already got reamed about having my phone on VIBRATE for chrissakes! so now i keep it on silent and check it every once in a while. the hubs and i have even started texting each other so we can keep in touch surreptitiously during the day.

he’s really getting into it and i guess he realizes that there are all kinds of abbreviations that people use so they don’t have to spell out everything.  texting is new to him so i am largely amused by some of his messages. the other day he was supposed to meet with a co-worker who was flying in from jersey and who hadn’t contacted him in three days. finally, he just decided to drive to the hotel where the guy was supposed to be staying and see if he was there. here’s our messages, along with my translation.

me: what r u doing?

him: gg to hl.   (going to the hotel)

me: did u hear from him?

him: h is her   dent me rext at825  (he is here. sent me a text at 8:25)

me: he sent u a text??! wtf?

me: (later) r u done?

him: ok on my w h,e     (ok, on my way home)

the man is either seriously text-challenged, or he’s just decided anyone can invent their own text abbreviations.

in other news, i finally broke down and signed up on twitter. more on this later.