i got 99 problems but my pants ain’t one

since the recent influx of adult users to facebook, it has evolved from a way for school aged kids to dis and make fun of each other into a way for the rest of us to…well, dis and make fun of each other as well.

except in our case it’s not called cyber bullying, it’s called “reminiscing,” or posting your “old school” photos. but really it should be called, “how my fraternity brother still managed to eff my ass over 20 years later.”

case in point:

pants2

seriously, nothing says cool like kicking back spread eagle in your camoflauge parachute pants with a cold one on the dag nasty, scratchy, brady bunch, got-knows-what’s-been-*ahem*-spilled on it frathouse couch, and why the hell is the right end of the yellow couch brown?

**shudder**

plus you clash.

now, don’t get me wrong, i’ve liked me some fratboy on occasion, but with those pants this guy would have never been able to even get near me.

which is really odd because….i KNOW this person. and by KNOW i mean, i KNOW this person in the biblical sense, because this is actually the future mr. leighonline. although he probably wouldn’t have been if i had seen these pants first.

they say clothes make the man. thank god for brooks brothers.

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kung phooey

master po: close your eyes. what do you hear?kungfu3
young kwai: i hear the water, i hear the birds.
po: do you hear your own heartbeat?
kwai: no.
po:   ….oops.

                                                    *******

dear david,

frankly, i’m a little embarrassed for you. and not just because you are decidedly not chinese.

we all know thailand is the destination for those who may have slight proclivities for the *ahem* unusual, but being found naked in a hotel room with a rope around your neck AND your junk isn’t just a little sad, it also a lot creepy. 

nothing like pulling a michael hutchence and offing yourself on accident and now your family is left to clean up all your freaky deaky dirty laundry.

plus your most famous contribution will be you’ve brought new meaning to the term “well hung.”

RIP, grasshopper.

can’t we all just get along?

saywhat12i know i’ve told you about my new job,  but what i may have failed to mention is that i am totally down with all the sistas at work.

i feel like that alicia silverstone character in the movie beauty shop. only there’s no hot black dude with a bad case of reverse jungle fever for yours truly. damnit.

there are definately some cultural differences, but i will say this – i think they have totally embraced me. no seriously! not to brag or anything, but i can usually fit in anywhere.

just ask all my new best friends — Genetha, Krystyna, LaDawntay, LaTanya, LaTrease, Luwanda, Marilyon, Melynda, Monesha, Shawnda, Tanisha, Tawnya, Tomeka, Tracia, Velbeth (otherwise known as Velvet), and of course my girl Tresondria*.

holla, ya’ll!

(*all these names are real and taken straight off the employee phone list. no names have been changed to protect my innocence. hope nobody there ever googles themselves or i’ll probably get my skinny white ass kicked.)

friends should not let friends get crappy jobs

workso i’m lurking around on facebook because i have no real life, and i come across this oddly out of place photo in bex’s stuff.

so i’m thinking “oopsie!! bexie you sly sexy bitch. apparently you have mistakenly uploaded some “for-don’s-eyes-only” naughty secretary role-play photos of yourself!”

and then i thought, “wow. don is really a freaky dude. he likes long skirts, and high neck blouses, and apparently he likes you to dress up like an asian chick…and…awww, FOR THE LOVE OF…bex is taking some professional photos for linkedin!!

uhhhhh, rebecca…come over here and let’s sit down and have a little talk.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? did you slip on a wet spot by the pool and fall and crack your head?

your life is so demanding and full of difficult decisions that have to be made every single freaking day. like, pool, beach, lunch, nap? or beach, pool, nap, lunch? or nap, lunch, beach, pool?

damnnit woman. why would you want to go and complicate things with a job? plus you have don running around, mixing up cocktails at your beck and call, while i plod around at my new little insurance job going through internet withdrawals.

seriously, you have issues. i certainly wouldn’t be working if i didn’t have to, but the cosmetic *ahem* enhancement fund was running a little low so i had to do something.

anyway, if you’re trying to get a job, you’re doing it all wrong. take if from someone who’s had to scratch and claw to keep one step ahead of the hot 20-somethings who are breathing down my neck.

THIS is how to dress for an interview.

cleavage

geez, haven’t i taught you ANYTHING!? yah, you’re welcome.

in other news, next weekend we’re off to what’s left of galveston.

why middle-aged people should not text

please forgive me father. it’s been 3 months since my last blog post. i’ve just been a little busy feeling sorry for myself and shopping at walmart in my PJs, and i had sort of left leighonline on the back burner.  plus when you’re having a personal pity party, it’s kind of hard to be funny.text

then i got an email from my awesome blog admin ckelly that i owed him $150. thanks chris, for giving me just the push i needed.

anyway, so the good news is i got a job. i figured any job was better than just sitting at home, so i took it. the place is…how do i put this nicely?…pretty ghetto. so i fit in quite nicely, thank you. my girl, tresondria, and i chat about work stuff and where we get our nails done, and who’s weave is fly and she totally digs my highlights, and how we’re both really bummed that the bennigan’s next door went out of business.

the bad news is, apparently they have had some bad apples who have abused the internet privileges and everything is monitored at work. i haven’t tried to access my blog from work, but i’m afraid if i do, then they will catch it and block it.

so, i haven’t been blogging. i guess i could blog when i get home, but, well, that’s kind of my time. not that i don’t love you guys…if anyone is still out there.

they are also super-asses about personal phone use and i already got reamed about having my phone on VIBRATE for chrissakes! so now i keep it on silent and check it every once in a while. the hubs and i have even started texting each other so we can keep in touch surreptitiously during the day.

he’s really getting into it and i guess he realizes that there are all kinds of abbreviations that people use so they don’t have to spell out everything.  texting is new to him so i am largely amused by some of his messages. the other day he was supposed to meet with a co-worker who was flying in from jersey and who hadn’t contacted him in three days. finally, he just decided to drive to the hotel where the guy was supposed to be staying and see if he was there. here’s our messages, along with my translation.

me: what r u doing?

him: gg to hl.   (going to the hotel)

me: did u hear from him?

him: h is her   dent me rext at825  (he is here. sent me a text at 8:25)

me: he sent u a text??! wtf?

me: (later) r u done?

him: ok on my w h,e     (ok, on my way home)

the man is either seriously text-challenged, or he’s just decided anyone can invent their own text abbreviations.

in other news, i finally broke down and signed up on twitter. more on this later.

hey babe, take a walk on the wild side

two posts in almost as many days? minniepearl1

i’m sure you’re asking yourself, “WTF is going on? has leigh gotten her groove back?”

no, not exactly. but apparently there was some confusion caused by that last post, so i HAD to do something. i couldn’t have you thinking that we’re such hillbillies that we would actually go around with TAGS hanging off our clothes!

i mean, come on! that would be silly. what do you think this is? freaking hee haw?

the truth is…because i’m so lazy BUSY with all this staying at home shit (and because i had no freaking clue where my camera was) i went out into the internet and FOUND a picture of the exact same slippers i wore to walmart and used those instead.

it seemed just so much simpler than going into the closet and taking a picture of my slippers and then having to transfer the picture to the computer, and THEN upload it to my blog. whew! i’m getting tired just thinking about it.

are you buying it? yeah, i didn’t think so.

well, since the hubs has let the cat out of the bag, so to speak, i guess i can no longer keep this secret any more. sometimes the hubs likes to dress like me.

GOD, it feels so good to get that off my chest! you have no idea what the last 14 years have been like. however, since the hubs is very particular about me accidentally wearing his stuff, he’s devised this genius plan to differentiate our belongings. never mind that there’s no way his big-foot ass could fit in my shoes.

slippers

anyway, they say couples have to do whatever it takes to make relationships work, and we’ve found our solution. 

heels1

and it works so well, it’s been implemented across the board.

bras

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i think i need an intervention

since i got laid off in november, i’ve been adjusting to being a stay-at-home mom and trying to figure out what the hell unemployed women actually do all day to keep themselves busy, besides being in charge of the laundry, and i’ve finally developed a schedule to keep my hours filled. here are some of my new found daily pleasures:

  • making breakfast for the kids
  • driving my daughter to school at 6:45am every morning in my pajamas despite the fact that the middle school bus passes right in front of our house
  • driving my son to school at 8:30am every morning in my pajamas (i know! damn texas school schedules!) despite the fact that the elementary school bus passes right in front of our house
  • taking a nap after everyone leaves
  • foregoing the daily shower
  • renouncing makeup
  • lounging around in the clothes that i slept in all night
  • thinking about going to the gym and deciding i will go tomorrow
  • lying on the couch watching soaps until everyone gets home
  • making home-cooked dinners every night
  • helping the kids with their homework
  • getting the kids showered and ready for bed
  • throwing down a few cocktails
  • staying up late and watching tivoed episodes of the train wreck that is rock of love bus

and i’m FINE people, i’m really, really FINE.

anyway, so this morning after i dropped my daughter off at school, i realized that i was out of creamer and the thought of going home and drinking coffee watered down with milk was just too much to bear.

“hey!” i said to myself. “walmart’s open 24 hours and it’s just around the corner from the school. i can pop in there and be home before anyone else wakes up.”

so i went… in these and my jammie pants. hey! don’t give me that look! i don’t have a problem! these are REALLY nice slippers.

hushpuptexas-1

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