you know what i hate? when i’m being all women’s libby and stuff. and putting air in my tires at the gas station and some big, sweaty, muscular construction worker pulls up in his pickup truck, gets out and comes up to me and says, “hi, i’m steve. do you need some help with that?”
i hate that! and by hate i mean, would you mind taking off your shirt and rubbing some of this baby oil all over your chest and then stand there with this big hammer in your hand?
me: (looking around to see if this specimen is talking to me) uhhhh… hi. no, i’m fine. i’ve got a flat. i’m just going to drive it home.
specimen: are you ok? do you live far?
me: no, i’m fine. i’m just about a mile down the road. plus, i have another car at home i can drive.
specimen: that sure is a nice car. what do you do?
me: i work for a software company. (foreshadowing)
specimen: ok, well, i’m just working in the area. you sure are mechanically inclined.
me: (*crickets* it’s freaking air, steve) well, my dad taught me some stuff.
specimen: well, very nice to meet you. have a nice day. (smiles and teeth flash blindingly)
me: (recovering) uhhhh….yeah! you too!
oh, yeah, i almost forgot. i got laid off today. fuckers. i hate you too.