so i’m lurking around on facebook because i have no real life, and i come across this oddly out of place photo in bex’s stuff.

so i’m thinking “oopsie!! bexie you sly sexy bitch. apparently you have mistakenly uploaded some “for-don’s-eyes-only” naughty secretary role-play photos of yourself!”

and then i thought, “wow. don is really a freaky dude. he likes long skirts, and high neck blouses, and apparently he likes you to dress up like an asian chick…and…awww, FOR THE LOVE OF…bex is taking some professional photos for linkedin!!

uhhhhh, rebecca…come over here and let’s sit down and have a little talk.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? did you slip on a wet spot by the pool and fall and crack your head?

your life is so demanding and full of difficult decisions that have to be made every single freaking day. like, pool, beach, lunch, nap? or beach, pool, nap, lunch? or nap, lunch, beach, pool?

damnnit woman. why would you want to go and complicate things with a job? plus you have don running around, mixing up cocktails at your beck and call, while i plod around at my new little insurance job going through internet withdrawals.

seriously, you have issues. i certainly wouldn’t be working if i didn’t have to, but the cosmetic *ahem* enhancement fund was running a little low so i had to do something.

anyway, if you’re trying to get a job, you’re doing it all wrong. take if from someone who’s had to scratch and claw to keep one step ahead of the hot 20-somethings who are breathing down my neck.

THIS is how to dress for an interview.

geez, haven’t i taught you ANYTHING!? yah, you’re welcome.

in other news, next weekend we’re off to what’s left of galveston.

please forgive me father. it’s been 3 months since my last blog post. i’ve just been a little busy feeling sorry for myself and shopping at walmart in my PJs, and i had sort of left leighonline on the back burner.  plus when you’re having a personal pity party, it’s kind of hard to be funny.

then i got an email from my awesome blog admin ckelly that i owed him $150. thanks chris, for giving me just the push i needed.

anyway, so the good news is i got a job. i figured any job was better than just sitting at home, so i took it. the place is…how do i put this nicely?…pretty ghetto. so i fit in quite nicely, thank you. my girl, tresondria, and i chat about work stuff and where we get our nails done, and who’s weave is fly and she totally digs my highlights, and how we’re both really bummed that the bennigan’s next door went out of business.

the bad news is, apparently they have had some bad apples who have abused the internet privileges and everything is monitored at work. i haven’t tried to access my blog from work, but i’m afraid if i do, then they will catch it and block it.

so, i haven’t been blogging. i guess i could blog when i get home, but, well, that’s kind of my time. not that i don’t love you guys…if anyone is still out there.

they are also super-asses about personal phone use and i already got reamed about having my phone on VIBRATE for chrissakes! so now i keep it on silent and check it every once in a while. the hubs and i have even started texting each other so we can keep in touch surreptitiously during the day.

he’s really getting into it and i guess he realizes that there are all kinds of abbreviations that people use so they don’t have to spell out everything.  texting is new to him so i am largely amused by some of his messages. the other day he was supposed to meet with a co-worker who was flying in from jersey and who hadn’t contacted him in three days. finally, he just decided to drive to the hotel where the guy was supposed to be staying and see if he was there. here’s our messages, along with my translation.

me: what r u doing?

him: gg to hl.   (going to the hotel)

me: did u hear from him?

him: h is her   dent me rext at825  (he is here. sent me a text at 8:25)

me: he sent u a text??! wtf?

me: (later) r u done?

him: ok on my w h,e     (ok, on my way home)

the man is either seriously text-challenged, or he’s just decided anyone can invent their own text abbreviations.

in other news, i finally broke down and signed up on twitter. more on this later.

two posts in almost as many days?

i’m sure you’re asking yourself, “WTF is going on? has leigh gotten her groove back?”

no, not exactly. but apparently there was some confusion caused by that last post, so i HAD to do something. i couldn’t have you thinking that we’re such hillbillies that we would actually go around with TAGS hanging off our clothes!

i mean, come on! that would be silly. what do you think this is? freaking hee haw?

the truth is…because i’m so lazy BUSY with all this staying at home shit (and because i had no freaking clue where my camera was) i went out into the internet and FOUND a picture of the exact same slippers i wore to walmart and used those instead.

it seemed just so much simpler than going into the closet and taking a picture of my slippers and then having to transfer the picture to the computer, and THEN upload it to my blog. whew! i’m getting tired just thinking about it.

are you buying it? yeah, i didn’t think so.

well, since the hubs has let the cat out of the bag, so to speak, i guess i can no longer keep this secret any more. sometimes the hubs likes to dress like me.

GOD, it feels so good to get that off my chest! you have no idea what the last 14 years have been like. however, since the hubs is very particular about me accidentally wearing his stuff, he’s devised this genius plan to differentiate our belongings. never mind that there’s no way his big-foot ass could fit in my shoes.

anyway, they say couples have to do whatever it takes to make relationships work, and we’ve found our solution. 

and it works so well, it’s been implemented across the board.

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since i got laid off in november, i’ve been adjusting to being a stay-at-home mom and trying to figure out what the hell unemployed women actually do all day to keep themselves busy, besides being in charge of the laundry, and i’ve finally developed a schedule to keep my hours filled. here are some of my new found daily pleasures:

• making breakfast for the kids
• driving my daughter to school at 6:45am every morning in my pajamas despite the fact that the middle school bus passes right in front of our house
• driving my son to school at 8:30am every morning in my pajamas (i know! damn texas school schedules!) despite the fact that the elementary school bus passes right in front of our house
• taking a nap after everyone leaves
• foregoing the daily shower
• renouncing makeup
• lounging around in the clothes that i slept in all night
• thinking about going to the gym and deciding i will go tomorrow
• lying on the couch watching soaps until everyone gets home
• making home-cooked dinners every night
• helping the kids with their homework
• getting the kids showered and ready for bed
• throwing down a few cocktails
• staying up late and watching tivoed episodes of the train wreck that is rock of love bus

and i’m FINE people, i’m really, really FINE.

anyway, so this morning after i dropped my daughter off at school, i realized that i was out of creamer and the thought of going home and drinking coffee watered down with milk was just too much to bear.

“hey!” i said to myself. “walmart’s open 24 hours and it’s just around the corner from the school. i can pop in there and be home before anyone else wakes up.”

so i went… in these and my jammie pants. hey! don’t give me that look! i don’t have a problem! these are REALLY nice slippers.

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the first season of the humor bloggers fantasy football league has come to a close and the hubs has been pestering me to allow him to respond to all the smack talk that team “fantasy virgin” endured. so, i’ve finally gotten off my ass and put this together for him. (non-bloggers have no IDEA what a pain in the ass it is to find all those video links.)

personally, i don’t like smack talk, because i’m a huge believer in karma, but he earned this, so here goes.

…

“Even though Leigh deferred to me for her team picks, I have never played fantasy football before. Therefore, the name Fantasy Virgin is accurate. I am not a writer and have never blogged before. When I was writing this blog, I was drinking a glass of my favorite bourbon with coke. Leigh informed me that you should never write and blog. However, writing to me is kind of like dancing. I have to have a few drinks to get up the nerve.

There was a lot of smack talked about Leigh and her team throughout the season. This post is dedicated to each and everyone of the league members. If you wanna talk the talk, you gotta walk the walk.

Chris: Great job putting the league together. Nice try in the finals. You lost by one point to a team that should have won by at least 30. Just remember that second place is the first loser.

Rambler: You are the king of talking smack. you pulled a plaxico burress on yourself when you tried to slam my team. You have called my wife a fantasy slut and a dominatrix. I smacked your ass 3 times in one season. If fact, you lost by over 100 points in one game to me during the regular season. I thought I had a bye when I found out we had a game in the playoffs. rambler, how’s my a** taste?

Paula (Googled Eye Goons): You were some tough competition. Especially in our first meeting when I did not know WTF the w/r pick was. I picked Donald Driver instead of Adrian Peterson. You did accuse Leigh of using a penis to win this event. I will go on record as saying that I try to give Leigh the penis every chance I get.

What The Canuck: You were done as soon as Tom Brady went down.

Renal Failure: At one point, you falsely claimed to be the people’s champion. The people always like winners (Celtics, Lakers, Yankees, etc.). The TV networks love the Fantasy Virgins of the world…and you, renal failure, are no people’s champion. So that’s why when we played this season, the real people’s champion laid a smack down on your candy ass!

White Strypers: Pretty solid team, beat me once.

Washington Crooks: Beat you twice in the regular season. Unfortunately, your two losses in the consolation bowl makes those wins more irrelevant.

Predator Press: You rode LT and Eli into missing the playoffs. Of course LT had an incredible game the week after fantasy football was over.

Ricky: Only got to play you once. Other teams that played you twice got an extra unfair victory. You are the disgrace to fantasy football. The early 60’s Mets were better than your team.”

…

thanks everyone! it was great fun. hope we get to play next year.

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wow! i can’t believe this year is almost over. what started off as a pretty good year somehow turned into a bastard about november.

i want to thank those of you who have continued to visit my little blog (all six of you) even after i let my crap-ass ex-employer get me down.

there is justice for those shitheads though because one of my ex-coworkers just gave notice. my old department is now officially screwed. they’ve lost 50% of their employees and are still expected to do the same amount of work.

my boss’s response to my coworker? “well, i wish i had known you were going to do this BEFORE i laid off leigh!”

well, maybe now someone’s learned a little lesson. but probably not. the assholes really never do.

anyhoo, it’s new year’s eve and i’m reminded of one of my ex-boyfriends. he had a crazy dad who gave him three pieces of advice when he was little (before he divorced his mom and left the family…it’s kind of a sad story). they are as follows:

1. smoking cigarettes will eff up a breathalizer, so you should consider taking it up.

2. don’t f*ck the people that you work with.

3. new years eve is for amateurs.

now, i’m not sure about number one because i think that’s just wishful thinking. and i’m a classic example of breaking number two because that’s how i married the hubs. but as for number three….i have to say that’s the best advice i’ve ever heard. and that’s why i’m staying in. the real drunks handle their liquor 364 days of the year. what makes me worry is when suzy suburban and her husband hit the town to throw down a few.

so i’m making martinis and staying in tonight.

dave, thanks for sharing your dad’s advice. it’s invaluable. and to everyone, have a happy new year!

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earlier this year, i did something really out of the ordinary for me – i decided to take chris up on his offer to join the humor bloggers fantasy football league.

i’ve never played fantasy football, but i thought, why the hell not? anyway, 16 weeks later, unbelievably, i find myself in the position of league champion! 

so i’m sure you’re asking yourself, “leigh, you’re a smoking hot babe! how the eff do you know anything about football?!” well, dear readers, i’m more than just a pretty face. i’m smart, well read, and resourceful too.

so, here’s my top ten list of winning strategies: 

1. read the rules.  it took 3 weeks before i realized W/R meant you could choose a wide receiver OR a running back for that position.

2. choose your players on tuesday.  you can make changes all the way up to game time.  this allows you to go on the weekly unemployment drinking binge and not have to worry whether or not you have chosen your team. this is really important late in the season when there are thursday night games.

3. do not choose wide receivers that have your opponent’s quarterback that week.  there is nothing worse than getting points for your team that are immediately offset.

4. keep one kicker and one defense.  use these two extra picks to get more quarterbacks, running backs, and/or wide receivers.

5. take the best players available for your bench.  having matt forte and cederick benson on my bench helped prevent me from losing to another team.

6. do not comment about “what ifs.” the score is the score.

7. be careful about smack talk.  karma smacks back (you know who you are….)

8. use all your resources: injury reports, player news, yahoo writers.

9. have your spouse review every pick.

10. give credit where credit is due. thanks hubs.

next up, a guest post from the man behind the fantasy virgin. he’s also a virgin blogger, and he’s been begging for a chance to smack down everyone who’s been calling me a SLUT for the last few weeks. i’m going to let him.

love and kisses,

leigh

agh! ok, ok, ok. i know it’s been weeks days, and i’ve been avoiding you guys like an old lover. but today heyjoe harassed me enough so that i’m feeling compelled to write. plus bex is pissed at me and candice freaking tagged me (which i’ll get to next), so i figured it’s time. 

also, it taken about this long for me to realize some sad truths about myself.

the myth: i *really* like working.
the reality: i do not actually like working. i actually like shopping. shopping is my crack and i must work to feed the addiction. however, the hubs has taken away my credit cards, i’m in the throes of withdrawal, and i’m feeling quite bitchy. must.find.work.soon.

the myth: the reason i don’t cook is because i am always working.
the reality: i have no inner domestic goddess trying to escape. my whole family pretty much prefers anything stouffers to what i’ve been attempting.

teenage daughter: what *is* this stuff, mom? it tastes funny.
me: that’s because it’s homemade.
teenage daughter: oh… can i have some cereal?

the myth: women look better when they are happy.
the reality: i ran into an acquaintance at the grocery store today and had the following exchange.

her: hey! long time no see! you look great! what’s going on with you? wow, you look so skinny! have you lost weight?
me: oh, let’s see. i got shit canned. i’m depressed and going to therapy. i haven’t shaved my legs in two weeks and i’m living off coffee and dry honey nut cheerios. but apparently my ASS is noticeably smaller, so i’ve got that going for me.

god that felt good! i think i’m back.

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you know what i hate? when i’m being all women’s libby and stuff. and putting air in my tires at the gas station and some big, sweaty, muscular construction worker pulls up in his pickup truck, gets out and comes up to me and says, “hi, i’m steve. do you need some help with that?”

i hate that! and by hate i mean, would you mind taking off your shirt and rubbing some of this baby oil all over your chest and then stand there with this big hammer in your hand?

me: (looking around to see if this specimen is talking to me) uhhhh… hi. no, i’m fine. i’ve got a flat. i’m just going to drive it home.

specimen: are you ok?  do you live far?

me: no, i’m fine. i’m just about a mile down the road. plus, i have another car at home i can drive.

specimen: that sure is a nice car. what do you do?

me: i work for a software company. (foreshadowing)

specimen: ok, well, i’m just working in the area. you sure are mechanically inclined.

me: (*crickets* it’s freaking air, steve) well, my dad taught me some stuff.

specimen: well, very nice to meet you. have a nice day. (smiles and teeth flash blindingly)

me: (recovering) uhhhh….yeah! you too!

oh, yeah, i almost forgot. i got laid off today. fuckers. i hate you too.

now for something really important – november 12 is a great day in american history. do you know what today is? come on, you should know this! geez, it’s the day that marty mcfly went back to the future in the delorean that doc brown made into a time machine.

ok, i’m not really that big of a dork. i heard it on the radio this morning driving into work. however, i *love* this movie, it’s one of my all time favorites and it is quite possible the best fantasy flick ever made, in spite of the script.

now see, i’m ok with a film about peeping toms, bullies, rape, and a mom wanting to boink the new kid in town who just happens to be her son, but i can see how some of you might have problems with this. however, this is a case of a flick coming together perfectly – any director that can take a story with some icky oedipal overtones and turn it into a monster hit is a pure genius.

i think the only reason this flick didn’t tank is solely due to michael j. fox. this movie could have never been made without him. and in fact, it almost wasn’t.

probably one of the least well kept secrets in hollywood is that BTTF originally began filming with a different male lead cast. about 40 minutes of the movie was shot before director robert zemeckis realized people would be getting all creeped out by the mom/son love story unless they did something about the male lead, eric stoltz. so they fired him and brought in sweet inoffensive MJF. don’t believe me? check out the pics:

  
(click to biggie-size)

i for one, would LOVE to see what the missing footage looks like, but all that seems to have been released are the stills. when the movie was released on dvd a while back, rumors were flying around that we might get to see some of what was shot.

sadly, none was included with the official word being, “nothing was included out of respect to eric, his performance was very intense and not the tone we were looking for, blah, blah, blah,” which we all know is code for, “it was a craphole! it blew! he really, really sucked, and wasn’t funny, and it was a painful experience to watch, and we don’t think anyone should have to sit through it like we did, which is why we reshot the piece of sh*t!! 1985 is over! it’s the 2000s! get a freaking life!”

kind of makes you wonder what eric’s career would have been like if he’d had a chance to be in an iconic teen movie with a hot 80s writer or director? oh wait, i saw some kind of wonderful. nevermind.

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