guest blogger: leigh’s hub speaks

the first season of the humor bloggers fantasy football league has come to a close and the hubs has been pestering me to allow him to respond to all the smack talk that team “fantasy virgin” endured. so, i’ve finally gotten off my ass and put this together for him. (non-bloggers have no IDEA what a pain in the ass it is to find all those video links.)

personally, i don’t like smack talk, because i’m a huge believer in karma, but he earned this, so here goes.

“Even though Leigh deferred to me for her team picks, I have never played fantasy football before. Therefore, the name Fantasy Virgin is accurate. I am not a writer and have never blogged before. When I was writing this blog, I was drinking a glass of my favorite bourbon with coke. Leigh informed me that you should never write and blog. However, writing to me is kind of like dancing. I have to have a few drinks to get up the nerve.

There was a lot of smack talked about Leigh and her team throughout the season. This post is dedicated to each and everyone of the league members. If you wanna talk the talk, you gotta walk the walk.

Chris: Great job putting the league together. Nice try in the finals. You lost by one point to a team that should have won by at least 30. Just remember that second place is the first loser.

ricky-bobby

Rambler: You are the king of talking smack. you pulled a plaxico burress on yourself when you tried to slam my team. You have called my wife a fantasy slut and a dominatrix. I smacked your ass 3 times in one season. If fact, you lost by over 100 points in one game to me during the regular season. I thought I had a bye when I found out we had a game in the playoffs. rambler, how’s my a** taste?

Paula (Googled Eye Goons): You were some tough competition. Especially in our first meeting when I did not know WTF the w/r pick was. I picked Donald Driver instead of Adrian Peterson. You did accuse Leigh of using a penis to win this event. I will go on record as saying that I try to give Leigh the penis every chance I get.

What The Canuck: You were done as soon as Tom Brady went down.

Renal Failure: At one point, you falsely claimed to be the people’s champion. The people always like winners (Celtics, Lakers, Yankees, etc.). The TV networks love the Fantasy Virgins of the world…and you, renal failure, are no people’s champion. So that’s why when we played this season, the real people’s champion laid a smack down on your candy ass!


 

White Strypers: Pretty solid team, beat me once.

Washington Crooks: Beat you twice in the regular season. Unfortunately, your two losses in the consolation bowl makes those wins more irrelevant.

Predator Press: You rode LT and Eli into missing the playoffs. Of course LT had an incredible game the week after fantasy football was over.

Ricky: Only got to play you once. Other teams that played you twice got an extra unfair victory. You are the disgrace to fantasy football. The early 60’s Mets were better than your team.”


 

thanks everyone! it was great fun. hope we get to play next year.

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same auld lang syne

wow! i can’t believe this year is almost over. what started off as a pretty good year somehow turned into a bastard about november.

i want to thank those of you who have continued to visit my little blog (all six of you) even after i let my crap-ass ex-employer get me down.

there is justice for those shitheads though because one of my ex-coworkers just gave notice. my old department is now officially screwed. they’ve lost 50% of their employees and are still expected to do the same amount of work.

my boss’s response to my coworker? “well, i wish i had known you were going to do this BEFORE i laid off leigh!”

well, maybe now someone’s learned a little lesson. but probably not. the assholes really never do.

anyhoo, it’s new year’s eve and i’m reminded of one of my ex-boyfriends. he had a crazy dad who gave him three pieces of advice when he was little (before he divorced his mom and left the family…it’s kind of a sad story). they are as follows:

1. smoking cigarettes will eff up a breathalizer, so you should consider taking it up.

2. don’t f*ck the people that you work with.

3. new years eve is for amateurs.

now, i’m not sure about number one because i think that’s just wishful thinking. and i’m a classic example of breaking number two because that’s how i married the hubs. but as for number three….i have to say that’s the best advice i’ve ever heard. and that’s why i’m staying in. the real drunks handle their liquor 364 days of the year. what makes me worry is when suzy suburban and her husband hit the town to throw down a few.

so i’m making martinis and staying in tonight.

nye

dave, thanks for sharing your dad’s advice. it’s invaluable. and to everyone, have a happy new year!

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leigh explains it all for you: how to win fantasy football and alienate people

footballgirl1earlier this year, i did something really out of the ordinary for me – i decided to take chris up on his offer to join the humor bloggers fantasy football league.

i’ve never played fantasy football, but i thought, why the hell not? anyway, 16 weeks later, unbelievably, i find myself in the position of league champion! 

so i’m sure you’re asking yourself, “leigh, you’re a smoking hot babe! how the eff do you know anything about football?!” well, dear readers, i’m more than just a pretty face. i’m smart, well read, and resourceful too.

so, here’s my top ten list of winning strategies: 

1. read the rules.  it took 3 weeks before i realized W/R meant you could choose a wide receiver OR a running back for that position.

2. choose your players on tuesday.  you can make changes all the way up to game time.  this allows you to go on the weekly unemployment drinking binge and not have to worry whether or not you have chosen your team. this is really important late in the season when there are thursday night games.

3. do not choose wide receivers that have your opponent’s quarterback that week.  there is nothing worse than getting points for your team that are immediately offset.

4. keep one kicker and one defense.  use these two extra picks to get more quarterbacks, running backs, and/or wide receivers.

5. take the best players available for your bench.  having matt forte and cederick benson on my bench helped prevent me from losing to another team.

6. do not comment about “what ifs.” the score is the score.

7. be careful about smack talk.  karma smacks back (you know who you are….)

8. use all your resources: injury reports, player news, yahoo writers.

9. have your spouse review every pick.

10. give credit where credit is due. thanks hubs.

next up, a guest post from the man behind the fantasy virgin. he’s also a virgin blogger, and he’s been begging for a chance to smack down everyone who’s been calling me a SLUT for the last few weeks. i’m going to let him.

love and kisses,

leigh

don’t quit your day job

agh! ok, ok, ok. i know it’s been weeks days, and i’ve been avoiding you guys like an old lover. but today heyjoe harassed me enough so that i’m feeling compelled to write. plus bex is pissed at me and candice freaking tagged me (which i’ll get to next), so i figured it’s time. 

also, it taken about this long for me to realize some sad truths about myself. domesticgoddess1

the myth: i *really* like working.
the reality: i do not actually like working. i actually like shopping. shopping is my crack and i must work to feed the addiction. however, the hubs has taken away my credit cards, i’m in the throes of withdrawal, and i’m feeling quite bitchy. must.find.work.soon.

the myth: the reason i don’t cook is because i am always working.
the reality: i have no inner domestic goddess trying to escape. my whole family pretty much prefers anything stouffers to what i’ve been attempting.

teenage daughter: what *is* this stuff, mom? it tastes funny.
me: that’s because it’s homemade.
teenage daughter: oh… can i have some cereal?

the myth: women look better when they are happy.
the reality: i ran into an acquaintance at the grocery store today and had the following exchange.

her: hey! long time no see! you look great! what’s going on with you? wow, you look so skinny! have you lost weight?
me: oh, let’s see. i got shit canned. i’m depressed and going to therapy. i haven’t shaved my legs in two weeks and i’m living off coffee and dry honey nut cheerios. but apparently my ASS is noticeably smaller, so i’ve got that going for me.

god that felt good! i think i’m back.

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what? i’m fired?

you know what i hate? when i’m being all women’s libby and stuff. and putting air in my tires at the gas station and some big, sweaty, muscular construction worker pulls up in his pickup truck, gets out and comes up to me and says, “hi, i’m steve. do you need some help with that?” hotdude.JPG

i hate that! and by hate i mean, would you mind taking off your shirt and rubbing some of this baby oil all over your chest and then stand there with this big hammer in your hand?

me: (looking around to see if this specimen is talking to me) uhhhh… hi. no, i’m fine. i’ve got a flat. i’m just going to drive it home.

specimen: are you ok?  do you live far?

me: no, i’m fine. i’m just about a mile down the road. plus, i have another car at home i can drive.

specimen: that sure is a nice car. what do you do?

me: i work for a software company. (foreshadowing)

specimen: ok, well, i’m just working in the area. you sure are mechanically inclined.

me: (*crickets* it’s freaking air, steve) well, my dad taught me some stuff.

specimen: well, very nice to meet you. have a nice day. (smiles and teeth flash blindingly)

me: (recovering) uhhhh….yeah! you too!

oh, yeah, i almost forgot. i got laid off today. fuckers. i hate you too.

this day in history – november 12

now for something really important – november 12 is a great day in american history. do you know what today is? come on, you should know this! geez, it’s the day that marty mcfly went back to the future in the delorean that doc brown made into a time machine.

clock2.JPG 

ok, i’m not really that big of a dork. i heard it on the radio this morning driving into work. however, i *love* this movie, it’s one of my all time favorites and it is quite possible the best fantasy flick ever made, in spite of the script.

now see, i’m ok with a film about peeping toms, bullies, rape, and a mom wanting to boink the new kid in town who just happens to be her son, but i can see how some of you might have problems with this. however, this is a case of a flick coming together perfectly – any director that can take a story with some icky oedipal overtones and turn it into a monster hit is a pure genius.

i think the only reason this flick didn’t tank is solely due to michael j. fox. this movie could have never been made without him. and in fact, it almost wasn’t.

probably one of the least well kept secrets in hollywood is that BTTF originally began filming with a different male lead cast. about 40 minutes of the movie was shot before director robert zemeckis realized people would be getting all creeped out by the mom/son love story unless they did something about the male lead, eric stoltz. so they fired him and brought in sweet inoffensive MJF. don’t believe me? check out the pics:

back-to-the-future-1.JPG back-to-the-future-2.JPG back-to-the-future-3.JPG
(click to biggie-size)

i for one, would LOVE to see what the missing footage looks like, but all that seems to have been released are the stills. when the movie was released on dvd a while back, rumors were flying around that we might get to see some of what was shot.

sadly, none was included with the official word being, “nothing was included out of respect to eric, his performance was very intense and not the tone we were looking for, blah, blah, blah,” which we all know is code for, “it was a craphole! it blew! he really, really sucked, and wasn’t funny, and it was a painful experience to watch, and we don’t think anyone should have to sit through it like we did, which is why we reshot the piece of sh*t!! 1985 is over! it’s the 2000s! get a freaking life!”

kind of makes you wonder what eric’s career would have been like if he’d had a chance to be in an iconic teen movie with a hot 80s writer or director? oh wait, i saw some kind of wonderful. nevermind.

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election eve musings

i’ve got a secret. i don’t know if i should tell any of you, because i don’t feel like getting a ration of sh*t. today is election day and i’ll be honest. i’m having a really hard time deciding who’s the least crappy candidate.mccain.jpg

see, here’s the problem. i don’t really *like* any of the final choices that the parties have come up with.

first let’s take john mccain. john apparently has some anger and sarcasm issues which are not at all attractive, and then there’s all the facial expressions and camera mugging which makes it virtually impossible to watch him for any extended length of time. plus, he’s batsh*t crazy, but being held in captivity for five years by the north vietnamese will do that to you.

then there’s sarah palin. i love that the republicans said, “you’ve got a black guy? well, check this sh*t out!” i think i like her, but i suspect this has more to do with the fact that i like tina fey, and it would be really great to watch tina impersonate her on SNL for the next four years.

then there’s obama. probably the least objectionable personality in the bunch, but even hillary clinton said he wasn’t qualified, and i think we should believe her since we all know who was really wearing the pants in the white house when bill was president, mostly because his were down all of the time.

fup.JPG

and then there’s biden. this guy needs a cork in his pie hole.

bidenfup.JPG

WTF is wrong with the parties!? this is the BEST they could do? where’s the charisma? these people are all assholes!

and why would they even want to be president NOW? whoever wins is going to inherit the biggest economic clusterf*ck since the great depression. regardless of who gets elected, we’re in for a bumpy ride.

i’ve voted for both dems and republicans and based on those experiences, i can say i completely understand the old adage, “fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.”

worry.JPG

here’s what i want:

  • both dems and republicans have shown that left to their own devices, they will eff us all over for their own financial gain. therefore, i demand regulation and consequences for the powerful wall street firms whose CEOs would bankrupt companies and then leave with golden parachutes, AND the likes of franklin raines and those who would cook the fannie and freddie books to line their own pockets.
  • the right of women to have reproductive control over their bodies – just don’t expect me to pay for their abortions.
  • legalize pot, tax the crap out of it, and balance the budget with just the proceeds from california alone.

problem solved! find me a candidate with a platform like that and i’ll be first in line to vote. until then, i think i’m just gonna sit this one out.

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