Author Archives: leighonline

do these margaritas make my ass look big?

babygotback.jpgnormally, i don’t get too stressed out about my weight. hell, i may be the only woman on the planet who doesn’t even own a scale. but after the last few weeks, i’ve decided it’s time to dial back.

recently the family spent a week in mexico throwing back margaritas and chowing down on mexican food. then we just spent the labor day weekend in san antonio, taking my inlaws out to dinner for their golden (otherwise know as, i can’t believe i haven’t effing killed you after 50 years) anniversary. we ate our way up and down the riverwalk.

anyway, if i don’t do something soon, ice t’s gonna be asking me to marry him.

food i can do with or without, but margaritas…now that’s a sacrifice. here’s a typical weekend conversation between me and hubs:

me: (looking at my watch) is it too early for a cocktail?

him: (not even glancing at his watch) at the (insert our last name here) house? you must be joking.

so i asked the hubs to cut back with me for the next few weeks until i reign it in, cos it’s no fun NOT to drink alone. he was none too excited.

luckily, fate as intervened. the hubs is having a colonoscopy this week (no, he’s not 50 -he’s just very in touch with his asshole) and he’s not allowed to have any alcohol until after the procedure.

he also can’t eat anything either… and he has take some little pills that are some kind of nuclear laxative… and i will have to take care of him after he comes out of anesthesia…

come to think about it, i may be needing a drink after all.

i’ll keep you posted on both fronts (so to speak).

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how i (really) spent my summer vacation

you know how when someone you know gets back from vacation and tells you how great it was, and how relaxing it was, and blah, blah, blah?

lies…all lies. here, dear readers, is how most vacations really go down.

the fantasy: plan relaxing vacation away from kids.                      
the reality: realize that as tempting as it may be to leave an 11- and an 7-year-old home alone, this is ill advised, and the last couple from houston that did this had the po-po welcome wagon at the airport waiting for them when they deplaned. instead, bribe grandparents with offer of free accommodations in exchange for babysitting duties.

the fantasy: first day of trip plan on hitting the pool for an hour or so and then getting cleaned up and going out for a nice dinner.
the reality: start drinking in airport bar at 9am and continue on plane to calm “flying nerves.” hit pool by noon and immediately belly up to the swim-up bar. after having a few drinks and becoming best friends with the couple vacationing from jersey, decide getting cleaned up is a big hassle and allow kids to order $10 hamburgers from pool bar menu. miss dinner completely. after sobering up the next day, determine eating at the hotel is way too expensive. for the remainder of the trip drag family to local eating establishments with kid’s menus containing colors not found in nature and the zoomorphic depiction of breakfast entrees, exacerbating involuntary gag reflex already in effect from tequila hangover.

kids menu.jpg
(click on menu to enlarge)

short people with you appear to not be effected. 

crabby pancakes.jpg

the fantasy: pace self to get “healthy” tan.
the reality:forget to apply sunscreen due to first-day-partying inebriated state and pass out in deck chair. spend first night watching the matrix, the matrix reloaded, the matrix revolutions, and starship troopers on mexican tv due to inability to sleep because of sunbun. waste next two days hiding under umbrella.            

the fantasy: come  back from vacation rested and ready to work.
reality: take late flight home to “take advantage of” final day at beach. pop two xanax on flight home, rendering self useless for assisting with herding children though airport and carrying luggage to car. sleep on drive home, waking up long enough to crawl into bed. wake up in a fog at dark thirty and drive to work with xanax hangover. spend useless day in office with door shut researching all-inclusive resorts for xmas vacation on internet.

oh, and because i’ve deluded myself into thinking that some of you are actually interested about me as a person, i’ve made a little slide show of my vacation photos. enjoy! 

 

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divorce, mexican style

you know what amuses me most about traveling? it’s the little things.

i think i’ve discovered my dream job – translating foreign menus into english for the tourists. with me on the job, then the following would never happen:

 menu.jpg

i didn’t even know they were separated.

apparently in mexico when you get divorced you have to sit on a pile of warm refried beans and be covered in some chopped up broccoli. this may actually be preferable to the way it happens in the states, where they hand you your ass on a platter. and it’s hella cheaper too – only $100 bones, mexican.

plus, i’m not sure about you, but my “typical” breakfast never had anything remotely to do with chicken.

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i drink crappy margaritas so you don’t have to (sorry JD)

i hate to pilfer from a fellow blogger, but i just got back from mexico and i need to rant a little.

it’s been a really long summer, and i have spent the last few weeks looking forward to doing nothing but lying in the sun and getting stinking canned.

i’ve been to quite a few tropical getaways, including cozumel, playa del carmen, belize, grand cayman, jamaica, bahamas, the virgins (british and US) plus a few others whose names escape me now, so i know my way around a caribbean bender. but i have to say, cancun may take the cake, scenery-wise. here, see for yourself.

 beach.jpg

 (click to make it bigger)

however, it saddens me to say that without a doubt, i also had the most heinous margaritas in my whole life there too.

first there was senor frogs. i guess they thought they were dealing with some drinking virgins from nebraska. but me and the hubs are seasoned drinkers from texas. i spent *ahem* eight years going to the university of texas (hook ’em!), and the hubs went to the now-defunct southwest texas state university (which had a club that featured a $5 all-you-can-drink night) and his grades were so bad, his parents pulled him out and made him finish at UT san antonio. so yeah, we can put ’em down.

if you’re in party mode, you might be tempted by the offer of the margarita by the yard. but don’t be stupid. this giant plastic tube only has the same amount of alcohol as one shot.

glass.jpg

 

the hubs actually asked them if it was a virgin drink.

plus this thing cost $150! pesos that is, but you know what? if i’m going to spend the approximate equivalent of $15 on a margarita, i expect to be taken home in a freaking shopping cart, like that chick from animal house.

second – never, EVER, go to mexico, unless you stay at an all inclusive resort. they say life is full of learning experiences, but during vacation shouldn’t be one of them. at our place, the only time the drinks were a deal was during the happy hour (literally – it from from 3 to 4) when drinks were 2 for 1, which basically meant you were getting two sub-par margaritas for the price of one.

twofer.jpg

the last word: go to the liquor store and drink warm tequila shots from your beach bag all afternoon. or just sneak it in a water bottle and spike your crappy drinks like my mom did. she’s a smart lady.

now, here’s the best margarita on the planet, the oh-so-delicious and descriptively named mexican flag. lime, strawberry, and midori flavored margarita lovingly layered in a hurricane glass and served for a mere $6.95, american. two’s not enough and three is WAYYYYY too many. complete pie-eyed euphoria for less than $21. take that you stupid frog.

 mexflag.jpg

let me know if you’re coming. i’m buying.

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so thaaat’s the problem. i don’t have a penis.

men and women are so different (and not just because boys have “peanuts” and girls have “china”).

 silent.jpg

the other night after a “disagreement” the hubs said the following:

“sometimes i wish i could just strap a d*ck on you so we could just beat the crap out of each other on friday, and on monday we would be best of friends and forget anything ever happened.”

hmmmm….yeah honey, i think that would make me feel a whole lot better too.

punch.jpg

 

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guest blogger – leigh’s mom speaks

recently, i told you guys a story about my sister, dr. laura, catapulting a VW rabbit off a small cliff and lodging it mid-air between some oak trees.

after the post my mom sent me an email, in which she gave me the lowdown on the whole incident, including the curious lack of explosive retribution from my dad, and thoughtfully included the details of some of our other vehicular exploits.

i thought you might enjoy reading them, especially if you thought i was exaggerating, because i so was not. my commentary is in blue.

Leigh, you thought nothing happened, but it was behind the scenes.

The VW was a brand new car. Laura had earned her driver’s license exactly ONE WEEK before, and she asked Dad if she could take the car and drive a bunch of her friends out to a friend’s ranch for the afternoon. He said yes. When I found out, I was mad and told him she didn’t have enough experience to be allowed to take a BRAND NEW CAR out with a bunch of friends!

We had a row about it. He huffed and puffed and got mad at ME for disagreeing with him. So when Laura wrecked the car, he couldn’t say anything, because I TOLD HIM NOT TO LET HER TAKE THE CAR. And I was too smart to say I TOLD YOU SO.  It wasn’t really necessary, anyway. And I didn’t say anything, because “I told you so” would have just set off another disagreeable row.  He knew I was right, anyway.

ahhh! the power of “i told you so.” it all makes perfect sense now.

There are other car adventures.  What about the Mav? 

the “Mav” was a 1974, solid steel, ford maverick. a virtually indestructible, hand-me-down of an american tank from our dad, tricked out in lovely 1970s champagne gold body paint, a brown vinyl roof, reclining bucket seats (hubba), and a V8 engine that allowed it to haul ass (which we did).

dad loved that car, but at the time i don’t think we truly appreciated it for its muscle car stylings. we thought it was fugly. hey, most of our friends were driving europeon imports. we drove that poor car into the ground, and i think it was finally donated to goodwill for a tax deduction. 

in retrospect, i must admit it was a genius move on dad’s part, although i’m not sure it was intentional. i plan to buy my kids a cheap heap and only carry liability. check out the vintage 70s commercial. maverick, maverick, maverick, maverick!!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2D2F2fjaHE&feature=related (try the link if the video looks weird)

apparently mavericks were HUGE in mexico. 

Dad had the fender repaired the first time you dented a fender.  By the time the last girl was driving, he’d just take a hammer out to the driveway and pound on the fender until it wasn’t rubbing the tire. Sessie said the Mav was kind of famous at Austin High by the time the third girl drove it. 

And the time someone tried to get the car out of the driveway with another car parked behind it.  I can’t remember who it was anymore, the incidents just all blend together.

ok, this one goes to sessie. quoth she, “the mav once got into a fight with the front of our house and won.” she said she thought it would be the opposite of trying to parallel park.

The car hit the edge of the house and knocked a chunk of stones out.  Much cursing and a wheelbarrow full of cement later, you can still make out the patch after 20 years.

yep. they just don’t make cars like that anymore.

And the time someone backed out and turned too sharply. 

oops. guilty as charged. i’m also the only one to take out 2 family cars in one incident.

The left front fender hit the right rear fender of Dad’s car parked in the driveway.  Two cars at once.  Dad was apoplectic.  He pulled his billfold out of his pocket and slammed it down on the driveway.  I guess that’s symbolic.

i’m sure this was just the first of many wallet-slamming episodes. we hadn’t even gone to college yet.

mom, thanks so much for sharing. i haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. i wonder if dad will find this quite as amusing.

p.s. mom, if you going to comment my blog, you need to go ahead and sign up for HB so you can vote for me.  you too, sessie.

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i’m not angry, you just drive like sh*t

attackk.jpg

the city of houston just spent millions of dollars increasing interstate 10 to an amazing 10 lanes wide total NOT including some extra lanes for HOV and toll traffic which haven’t even opened yet.

i was rejoicing this morning as i began my commute. it’s only about 30 miles, but driving from suburban houston into the galleria area can take well over an hour on a really bad day.

because all lanes were finally open, all i could think was “sweet! i should be there in less than 30 minutes.”  ahhhh, thinking. that’s exactly what my problem is.

look people, we know the speed limit is….you know, i’m not really sure what it is. 

AND i don’t freaking care!!! it’s 6am and if i want to go 80 mph (and believe me i do) it is not YOUR JOB to keep everyone going 65 or whatever the freaking hell the speed limit is!

there’s 5 freaking lanes. get your slow mofo-going-60 mph-ass over in the far right hand lane. lead, follow, or get the eff out of the way!!

i don’t consider myself a violent person, but this morning, i reallllly wish i had some of these:

 rage.jpg

rant over. that is all.
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big fat liar – or why men keep condoms in the car

last weekend the hubs and i ended up going out with my friend (the mean girl) and her husband, without candy and her husband (who i had called but had completely blown me off).

mean girl all grow up (MGAGU):soooo….have you talked to candy?condoms.jpg
me: well, she said she would call me, but she flaked.
MGAGU: well, that’s too bad. i am sooo glad that we could get together. we like you guys sooo much. and well, candy’s been acting really weird lately. DON’T tell her i told you but there’s something going on with her and her husband and it NOT good.
me: (reminding myself never, ever to confide anything to her) what do you mean?
MGAGU: don’t say that i told you, but she found CONDOMS in her husband’s car!!!
me:WTF??!! so what did she do? did she confront him? what did he say?
mgagu: he said he was HOLDING them for a friend of his who was having marital problems.
me: that is the biggest load of crap i have ever heard. just how stupid does he think she is?!
mgagu:obviousy, pretty stupid. what would you say to your hubs if you found condoms in his car?
me: you mean before or after he regained consciousness?

anyway, this got me thinking, what kind of lame excuses would a married man who’s had a vasectomy have for having condoms in his car? hmmm….let’s see.

  • silly me! i thought these were water balloons!
  • they’re not mine!!! what have YOU been doing?
  • there were a bunch of planned parenthood demonstrators handing them at the corner.
  • you can make a really cool stress ball with flour.
  • i’m going to make balloon animals for the kids.
  • i keep them in my first aid kit to use as tourniquets.
  • the guys at work think it’s hilarious when i put them on my head and blow them up with my nose.
  • they were giving them away free at the liquor store with the purchase of any 12 pack.
  • honey, i’m going to be completely honest. i’m part of a heroin smuggling ring.
  • i’m going to use it as a penis protector while i’m nairing my junk. all for you sweetie.

 

ok, all kidding aside, i’m asking you guys out there. seriously….what possible excuse could there be for your wife/significant other finding condoms in your car,  beside the fact that you are a giant douche who is getting some strange?

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you can go home again (pardon me while i reminisce)

this weekend i went home to austin and stayed with my folks. in case i haven’t told you, i grew up there and every time we go back, i remember why i love that city and why i eventually had to get the hell out, if only because my parent’s patience with letting me “find” myself was wearing thin.

i also remember why it took me 8 years to graduate from UT (albeit with 2 undergrad degrees and just 6 hours short of a third), but that’s a whole bunch of other stories. while i was home, my dad pulled out this picture of me and my sisters, which i hadn’t seen in years. 

it’s a wonder my parents ever slept soundly at night because the three of us used to stay out all the time carousing until dawn.

sisters.jpg

here we are getting ready for a night on the town. i distinctly remember this night because we went to a huge birthday blow-out at a friend of sessie’s whose parents were out off town. par-tay! one big mansion and a bunch of underage kids drinking beer. that’s not a recipe for disaster. surprisingly, nothing truly disastrous happened, although i do seem to remember that some people ended up skinny dipping in the pool (nope, not me).

dr. laura was the youngest and also seemed to get into the most trouble. i got busted once for sneaking out, and my parents changed my bedroom so i couldn’t crawl out the window anymore.

dr. laura, on the other hand, wrecked more cars than anyone should be allowed to drive, including a small incident that involved suspending a volkswagen rabbit (a blue wolfsburg edition) in mid-air in a grove of small oak trees. she and her boyfriend couldn’t even get the doors open and had to crawl out the hatch back to escape. luckily, no one was hurt.

the car was wedged so tightly between the trees that her boyfriend and a couple of his football player friends couldn’t budge it, so they finally called my dad to come help. after dad assessed the situation, he decided it would probably be better to wait until the next day to call a wrecker. police tend to want to become involved in matters like cars hanging out in trees.

her excuse was something along the lines of “i was futzing around with the tape deck and the next thing i know…” dad says he was never sure if alcohol was involved or not, but i’m pretty sure they way it really went down was, “i was bending down to grab a bartles and jaymes wine cooler and my crazy ass friends and i weren’t paying any attention to the road, and we drove off a freaking cliff.” 

as you can imagine, my parent’s laissez-faire attitude and the lack of any repercussios for this incident, which we were fully expecting to be forthcoming, caused quite a bit of tension between dr. laura and sessie and me, because….well, we were freaking jealous! and pissed. very pissed. sessie was exceptionally pissed, as this was her car to take to college and it was now totaled. it was just so UNFAIR. we had been getting in trouble for years and now it was dr. laura’s turn… and pfffft! nothing. that’s the curse of being the older siblings. we had done all the hard work, broken the parents in, so to speak, and now they were over it. they were just happy whenever we didn’t kill ourselves.

anyway, at some point i think dr. laura must have felt really guilty about about all the money my parents were spending to keep us in cars, or maybe she just grew up, because she got her act together, got some new friends, and went to medical school. and she’s a really good doctor. me? i’m still tryng to find myself. i’ll let you know as soon as that happens.

and the three of us have made peace. in fact we get along better now than we ever did. and that’s nice, because if a girl doesn’t have her sisters, who does she have?

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