apparently, my new banner has got some of you thinking i’m a badass. which i’m secretly enjoying.

i must admit, when i was photoshopping that puppy up, i was going for something john woo-ish. i’m pretty happy with the results.

it makes me feel all uma thurmany inside. like i’m starring in some tarantino-penned, ang lee-directed, heist/con/chase/romance flick with my boyfriend, jason statham, that’s got a lot of action, some nudity (him), and a whole bunch of asskicking (me) thrown in for good measure.

of course the problem with thinking you’re a badass, is getting caught up in your own hype.

and speaking of kung foo nails… i have discovered you must respect the nails or the nails will kick your ass. it only took a few days, but my own nails have inflicted about the worse source of pain that i have ever experienced in my life and there have been exactly three.

1. the birth of child two without benefit of an epidural, not by choice, but possible death was the other option.

2. child one tripped and bullseyed a million-to-one Qtip shot into my ear and neatly ruptured my eardrum. this one brought me to my knees and made me see actual stars.

3. while futzing with the ice chest, i tried to push the little doohickey cap back on the drainage hole thingy and ripped my freaking thumbnail half off.

in case you weren’t aware, fake nails do not give way. your flesh does. it all happened so fast, at first i couldn’t tell exactly why my hand was radiating pain up to my elbow. while i was trying to figure out what the hell happened, my nail started gushing blood and i almost passed out. i spent the rest of the afternoon on darvocet and red wine.

anyway, so now i can’t decide if i’m going to keep the nails. i’ve realized that with great power, comes great responsibility and obviously, i’m not responsible (or smart) enough to keep from inflicting bodily harm on my own self.

the banner, however, is staying. 

you won’t hurt yourself at Humor-Blogs.com 

this week my daughter and i had a mother/daughter bonding day. she’s been bugging me for weeks about getting her nails done (she’s 11, by the way) and i had been stalling her until school was out. so this week, i finally relented and took her to the nail salon.

i was only there for her to get her nails done, but something got into me, and i came home looking like this:

don’t ask me what i was thinking, because typing is a real bitch now, and typically, i’m pretty low maintenance. aside from the bi-monthly visits to my colorist for highlights. and the occasional toni and guy haircut. and the veneers. and the surg… ok, never mind.

anyway, i thought a french manicure was a pretty respectable kind of thing, but apparently, it’s become the manicure of choice for strippers. a reporter conducted an “official” survey at a men’s club here in houston which showed a majority of strippers preferred the french manicure. 

no mention of the preferred stripper pedicure, but i’m thinking it’s probably somewhere along these lines.

anyway, so now that i’ve got the nails, i’ve been feeling a little different. a little sassy. a little hotter. i’m exactly the same as i was before…only a little bit better.

don’t hate biatchez.

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my lovely friend and follow blogger erin, just sent me an email for the trailer of the new transporter 3 movie because she appreciates a hot hunk of man meat as much as i do.

many thanks erin!  just remember to keep your mitts off jason. he’s mine.

looks like this time they’ve come up with some interesting plot devices designed to get jason out of his clothes, which is a-okay by me.

and there’s some cool french subtitles. le sigh.  

Plus d’infos sur ce film

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because i’ve definitely seen it all now.

how many times have you been standing in the checkout line at walmart, or hanging down at the 7-11, or chillin’ at the neighborhood YMCA pool, minding your own business, and suddenly you’re face to face boob with something like this:

sadly, this phenomenon isn’t solely confined to the small segment of the population i affectionately like to refer to as white trash. there seems to be some sort of minor epidemic going on. how else can you explain this?

and this?

…

“so leigh, isn’t that why we have bras,” you ask, “to prevent this sort of shit?”

yes, gentle reader. bras are made for this very reason. however, simply wearing a bra isn’t enough. wearing the right bra is what counts.

so, because i’m sick of seeing women treat their girls so unkindly, and in the interest of helping all those who are deficient in brawledge, i present a gallery of bra don’ts. 

here’s an example of the right way to wear a bra. she looks fantastic.

sadly, this phenomenon isn’t restricted to just the female sex.

in which case, there’s always the bro.

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with all these celebrities buying the farm this week, it’s nice that some are still alive and kicking. no, i’m not talking about that guy from simple minds. i’m talking about huey lewis.

diesel was nice enough to point out a while back that there is more than one song from the 80s called “heart and soul.”

t-pau sings one of my favorites, but this is a close second. this video is a celluloid time capsule of typical early 80s fashion and early MTV video cliches. overall, however, the editing and cuts are quick and the video holds up pretty well considering it 24 YEARS OLD!

plus, i have a sneaking suspicion huey made a pact with the devil. this guys’s looked 45 since 1983.

enjoy the video!

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i love thursday. one of the perks of my job (actually probably the only perk, because working for the software company i work for generally blows on the whole) is getting to telecommute. i get one designated telecommuting day a week and i picked thursday. i would have picked friday, but that wasn’t allowed because they figured (correctly i might add) that people wouldn’t actually be working. but, having one less day to drag my ass all the way down to the galleria is one less day i have to interact with some of the people at work i’d like to bitch slap.

so in celebration of today, here’s my top ten list of why i love thursdays.

10. standing girl’s night out on wednesday night

9. rolling out of bed at 8:00am and logging onto my computer = being on time

8. bypassing two hours of traffic gridlock

7. 20% less chance of my telling a coworker to go eff themselves than in a five day work week

6. better coffee

5. farting

4. the couch in my study

3. no websense

2. naked phone teleconferences

1. showers? we don’t need no stinking showers!

if you get to work from home, what do you like best about it?

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i know summer’s almost here, because swim season is underway.

last week, i took my daughter to buy a speedo fastskin. these suits are designed to reduce drag and have shark-like qualities, whatever the hell that means.

anyway, since these suits have been introduced, they have been helping swimmers smash world records and have generated quite a bit of controversy. the seams are welded together so there’s no stitching and therefore less resistance. almost like swimming nekkid. heh.

well apparently it worked because during our first meet this weekend, my daughter set some personal bests.

not to be outdone, her brother decided he also wanted a new suit. i wouldn’t buy him a fastskin because he’s only 7, but following the logic of the fastskin, i guess he decided less was better.

either that, or inside my tiny little boy, beats the heart of a middle-aged italian man.

enjoy the picture, pervs!

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billy, billy, billy. we need to talk. seriously.

…

drunk and stoopid is no way to go through life, and marrying someone only four years older than your own daughter is disturbing on all kinds of levels.

i think i’d just prefer to remember you like this.

…

and this.

…

and….whoa! anther childhood illusion shattered. uptown girl my ass.

…

guess the 80s just seemed sweet and innocent. enjoy the video anyway.

…
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it’s that time of year again.

last night i found a roach in my bathroom.

now, now. i haven’t seen one of those in my house since my old roommate left his stash out and the visiting cablevision repairman informed me “you know, it’s customary to get the cable guy high.” it might also explain why we got free HBO for the next six months.

no, sadly it was this kind of roach. and he was only slightly smaller.

but that’s ok, because i smoked him anyway. with this:

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