almighty diesel,

why hast thou forsaken me?

i hast done as thou hast commanded. why am i still not worthy of thy grace?

i hast no other humor-blogs before me.

i hast not taken thy name in vain.

i hast linketh prominently to humor-blogs and i hast created a naughty blinking JPG to tricketh wayward lurkers into coming to thy site.

i do not covet any other blogs.

and yet, you smite me.

my blog is bestowed clicks from all my efforts, yet they showeth not on humor-blogs. verily, indeed, clicks have disappeared from one day to the next.

i didst rend my clothes and gird myself with sackcloth, but to no avail. what sins have i commited against thou?

diesel giveth and diesel taketh away. i await a sign from you, almighty one.

i remain your most humble servant. yours in humor, amen.

Humor-Blogs.com

this is what was waiting for us when we got home.

the fact that the kids spent several hours working on this really brought a tear to my eye. especially when i realized that my own children don’t know how to spell my name correctly.

lee, out.

i seem to have completely fallen off the face of the earth over at humor-blogs. please help a sister out and click, click, click. i promise, i’ll be funnier. really, i will.
Humor-Blogs.com
 

i’m blogging by blackberry so I’ll be brief.

today we went sightseeing in venice. we were taken to a place where the jewish merchants used live and sell their wares. our guide told us the place was called the ghetto. “what?” I said. “that word is pretty derogatory.” our guide explained that the word originally meant a factory of some sort and was pronounced with a soft g like jetto. then the germans came and effed it all up with their hard g and you know the rest.

anyway, so I’ve decided I’m going to pull a randall (a la clerks 2). I’m taking ghetto back for the jews. ghetto for life, oy vey .

Humor-Blogs.com

no, i’m not talking about the classic 1970s woman’s lib book by erica jong, which coined the term, “zipless eff.” i’m talking about the terror-inducing, debilitating, completely irrational, white-knuckle fear i experience every time i have to get on a plane.

generally, i avoid all instances where i would have to fly. for example, over xmas break we DROVE from houston to orlando – in one day.

being that there’s no way to drive to paris, i’m pretty much screwed. so i have basically two options. be a complete basket case for about 10 hours. or, self medicate to the point of unconsciousness. i’m going to choose the latter.

when i was younger, i always used to throw down some drinks in the airport bar before boarding and passing out on the plane. but that would always leave me feeling very dehydrated and hung over. then a few years ago, i was complaining about flying to a doctor friend of mine. 

“oh, no, no, no.” he said. “come see me and i will give you something that will change your life.” he prescribed me xanax.

hooray for highly additive, narcotic, prescription drugs! i call them my happy flying pills, and they are awesome. there’s a reason why celebs have to go to rehab for abusing them and it’s because they are too much of a good thing.

so anyway, i have my small stash which i’m taking for the trip. our flight leaves in a few hours. i’ll take a few right as we board and while everyone is settling in, i’ll start silently repeating my calming, peaceful mantra: the pilot wants to live too…the pilot wants to live too.

i should be asleep before we leave the ground.

see you on the other side.

Humor-Blogs.com

we leave for paris in six days. i’m trying to make the best of the situation, so i did some research to figure out how not to stick out like an ugly american while i’m there, and after everything i’ve learned, i’ve decided paris can blow me.

we’re gonna have some serious problems. i put everything into a nice little chart because i’m anal that way.

you wont step in anything over at Humor-Blogs.com

last night we had a girl’s night out for one of my friends who just had a birthday. we decided to go have drinks first and then dinner, and i didn’t come rolling in until about 1 a.m. this morning. it totally blows to be me right now, and all i want to do is scarf some breakfast tacos and then make a pallet under my desk in my office like george did on that episode of seinfeld.

anyway, i discovered something totally weird last night at pf changs. on a thursday night at 6:30 the place was SICK with crazy cougar action!

no silly! not this kind of cougar. this kind.

there appeared to be some sort of turf war going on with one camp parked at the bar and another solidly holding down the back corner, and they appeared none too pleased that the MILFs had just arrived.  relax ladies. we’re just here for the booze.

anyway, i have to admit, these women scared me. watching a bunch of scantily clad middle age women whoop it up in the pf changs bar was a new experience for me, but i don’t get out much anymore.

but guys, these woman are on the prowl and know what they want.

just wanted to pass along the info in case anyone’s interested.

get some at Humor-Blogs.com

yeah, i know. what the hell are you doing leigh?!! you’re asking. you don’t know *jack* about sports. you should be leaving this up to the pros like rickey henderson or damon or someone, anyone else with a penis. you’re probably right, but here goes anyway.

behold sean pendergast, repeat winner of the jim rome smackoff, a mockfest held annually on rome’s sports talk radio show. callers are invited to rip into athletes, teams, politicians and each other. the nastiest, lowdown meanest, funniest caller is crowned winner. now i may not know sports, but i do know funny, and nobody appreciates good sarcasm better then me.

it’s a cinderella story. pendergast, a balding middle-aged salesman at a financial services company, with a wicked sense of humor, manages to win the smackoff an unprecedented five times and come in second twice, and gets his own radio show in the houston market in the process. pendergast named himself the “cablinasian” as a spoof of tiger woods, who created the word to describe his multiracial heritage: ca (caucasian) bl (black) in (indian) asian (uh, asian). he’s not prejudiced. he makes fun of everybody.

so anyway, in addition to his radio show, the guy has a blog, the sports kolache. he doesn’t seem to get much traffic so i just wanted to send some his way.

now behold this (courtesy of the sports kolache): kige ramsey – a one man media conglomerate and “founder” of YouTube Sports. apparently this guy has been making and uploading videos for a while now, but just watch and then let me know if you think this poor boy has suffered a head injury.

that’s it for this special edition of H-B sports!

well, i’m going to france in april.  

my husband won this company-sponsored sales contest and the first place winners and their significant others are receiving an all(most) expense paid trip to paris.

my husband is ecstatic and has been doing his little happy dance all over the house.  

i’m being a cry-baby bitch.

you see, the second place winners (also known as the losers, according to my husband) are going to cabo.

let’s compare, shall we:

paris

• spend two days traveling to get there.
• arrive paris and spend four days riding around in tour buses visiting a bunch of old shit, while suffering the scorn and disdain of the locals.
• spend two days flying home.
• suffer from jet lag until the following week. jesus, i’m just adapting to daylight savings time.

cabo

• two hour plane trip.
• spend 7 days getting drunk on the beach.
• no english, no problem. your money’s green.
• two hour flight home.
• recuperate a day before going back to work.

… 

ok, so am i being ungrateful?

i’m asking you. which would you prefer? cabo or paris?

Humor-Blogs.com

or she would have been, if i had gotten my lazy ass up off the couch last night.

apparently, her myspace page was still active as of yesterday. sadly, now it’s gone. *UPDATE* page is back up!!!

now you may be wondering why in the world, i would be interested in having a high-priced call girl as my friend?

simple. anyone capable of almost single-handedly ruining eliot shitzer’s undeserved and ill-gotten career in politics is tops in my book. plus girlfriend can rock the chic hippy look.

shitzer’s entire career was built on lies, deceit and hypocrisy. i pity his wife and poor daughters, but he can burn in hell. i personally worked for a company that shitzer set his sights on and a lot of good, innocent people were hurt.

truthfully, i could really care less about a politician banging some high-dollar hooker. ordinarily, i’d be pissed and consider this a perfect case of wasting tax-payer’s money (can you say congressional hearing?). in shitzer’s case, i’m willing to make an exception. it’s the moral and ethical void he operated in, while hiding beneath a cloak of self-righteousness. plus he was a giant ass and a big bully. what comes around goes around and eliot, karma’s a bitch.

anyway, back to ashley. i love her. i’ve been out stalking her on the internet and found these lovely pictures, and these music samples. apparently she want to be a singer. i hope she makes it.

go girl. love you. call me.

http://www.humor-blogs.com/

my husband sells drugs.

“wow,” i’m sure you’re thinking. “i need to figure out how to have leigh hook me up.”

yeah, yeah, i should be so lucky. it’s pharmaceuticals, and not really even *good* pharmaceuticals, if you know what i’m talking about. if you need the drugs my husband is selling, you are seriously effed up and chances are you’ll be dead within six months. uplifting, i know.

but, he’s very good at selling them. he’s so good in fact, that chances are, we’ll be going to paris and italy (the european ones, not the texas ones) in april because of his sales abilities. in which case i’m going to need a passport.

so recently, i traipsed on down to the passport office. if you haven’t had the pleasure of going to the passport office, it’s a lot like going to the post office (cos it was in the back of the post office) only even more frustrating, if that’s humanly possible.

so i figured that i would share my experience with you, because i learned some valuable information, mostly due to the woman in line in front of me.

1. there is a form you can fill out online and print out before you get there. do this. 

2. bring your checkbook. the u.s. government does not take american express.

3. copies of anything do not mean shit.

4. powers of attorney do not mean shit.

5. your ignorance of the rules does not mean shit.

6. the fact that a baby cannot sign his own application does not mean shit. everyone getting a passport must be there, in person, no exceptions, regardless of whether or not they are even capable of holding a pen.

7. your unprepared ass is holding up the line and can you PLEASE move to the side so they can help someone that READ the website before they came down here and knows what the hell they are doing. NEXXXXT!!

7. smiling for your passport photo is strictly forbidden. however, looking like a deer caught in headlights is not only completely acceptable, it’s de rigueur.

dont forget to click http://www.humor-blogs.com/ for me.